|Hello and good day to you all! My name is Vivian Ironsand, and I'm here to review the game Final Fantasy 1 , because actually, I have nothing better to do! Now, such a task can't be done alone, so I decided to get myself some co-reviewers... also, I like to make fun of them! Here They are:|
|Ohayo!! I am Pocky, of famous Snes game Pocky & Rocky! much excuses for bad game review of mine, honored reader, thankyou for using time of reading lots!Please insert honored eyes into humble text much! Go to Orko-san, occasion!|
|I am Orko! You might know me from the famous 80's TV show, He-Man! Anyway, in my last job, I was a sewer worker ... umm... for research purposes, yeah, that's it. This job is so much better! I like it because the other sewer workers always made fun of my height, and threw me into the sewer! But it's all better now! I can finally spread the ideal of love and friendship again! Except for those nights when I wake up sweating and screaming... Argh, the pain! *sobs*|
|I knew I should have asked Skeletor... well, to our last reviewer...I asked Princess Toadstool, but she was to busy getting rescued from an overgrown toad by a fat plumber... but don't fret, we have found somebody equal, maybe even better... PINK MAN!!! He considers himself an expert on video games, because he has played every Barbie game ever made!|
|Hello fans! *smooch smoch*! How are you all doing? It's so super to be here! Yay! Now, look at the time! Fast, fast! On to the game! Yay!|
Okay... This is the first installment of the long-running and very successful Final Fantasy series. In case you've never heard of Final Fantasy... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS??
Honestly, some people...
Back then, you didn't have to have to be some evil half-gods clone to be the hero of the game. No, to be an mystical warrior, you just had to have the ORB. Obviously, it didn't matter where you got it from... You just HAD it.
The story starts out with you having to save the princess of some country. Of course. It's a video game law. "Save at least 1 [one] princess per RPG. Floozies don't count.", taken straight from the video game constitution of 1978. I'm not kidding you, either. Okay, I AM but that's not the point.
Now, just for one moment, imagine you are the king. Image you are sitting your throne room (the one with the black carpet, with the four griffon statues... you know... where your throne is). Image one of your horribly deformed guards comes up to ands says "Milord, it doth seem to me that the princess hath been kidnapped. She's being held captured in the north-western ruins by but one man.". Now what would you say? Would you either say:
a) "Awww, damn, not again. Just send 50 of our well-trained knights and kick the suckas ass!" or
b) "Oh my! Now we have to wait for four terribly weak men to go to show up and save her. " ?
Yeah, thought so. The king, unlike us, doesn't seem to have any common sense. He desperately waits for you to arrive.
So you go all the way to the old ruins,
wondering what kind of tricky mazes will await you....
You enter the ruins. You go three steps forward. You find your terrible (ahem) enemy. Wow, that was easy.
His name is Garland, and he seems to share his home with a horde of bats. When spoken to, he yells something about touching his princess and says he will knock you all down. You punch him about 5 times and he dies. Back at the castle, the princess thanks you with a 2000 year-old Lute, that has been handed down from Queen to daughter for many generations. Whoopie. So basically, the thanks you get for saving her from Garland and his bats consists of getting called a f** and being given some old piece of trash. You ecstaticly wander towards your next quest.
But I know what you
REALLY want right now... uh-huh... but you won't get that. Have some screenshots
|This is actually the first time that I've seen a talking fountain. His message: clean= good. Wow.||Sure. I'll do everything you say, mysterious screaming lady.||Excuse me, dr. Freud? Just look at the clothes my cohorts are wearing! They're in dire need for help!|
|Hey, no need to get sarcastic. After all,you're the guys that brought us the talking fountain.|| Hemn= He-man,
Bndr= Bender, FsnD=
Fashion Designer, Orko= Orko (^^;;;)
|I really like the like dance they do after every battle. I could watch this for hours.|
|You idiots actually GAVE the key to your Treasury to the prince of a foreign country? How stupid are you, lawngnome?||Garland's cave 'o bats. Notice his armour. He and FsnD exchanged cooking recipes after the fight. They are, like, kindred spirits, ya know?||Cool! An outdated musical instrument! Thanks! Does this mean FsnD will be the next Queen?|