Chain Letter Cataclysm
By Rachelle Davison

Ok, first off, I just want to tell you that the title has almost nothing to do with the subject of this rant. Sure, it’s about chain letters (and Emails), but I couldn’t think of a catchy word that sounded right, not that cataclysm is in the least way catchy. Besides, I like the word cataclysm. Like apocalypse, it just sounds… never mind.

Chain letters. Come on, you all know what I’m talking about. Those exasperating letters that someone has taken the time to jot down a few death threats on and basically tell you to send to it as many people as possible, and sometimes come in the form of an Email. Picture, if you can (which is most likely asking too much of you), checking your mailbox. To your surprise and delight, you discover that you’ve gotten a letter. You eagerly rip the envelope open and happily read this unexpected letter, only to find that it’s a chain letter. Same goes for chain Emails. These sort of things make me wanna take a blowtorch to my computer, or at least somehow cause the original sender pain.

Some chain letters/emails are somewhat restrained, though most threaten you with death or something equally disturbing if you decide to ignore it. These letters really bug me, as I’m sure they do at least a few others. I’ve gotten chain Emails that allegedly date back to 1967. And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s a date at the top of the Email that reads: “This message was written by (insert sender’s name here) on Wednesday, June 13, 2001. That’s just sad.

Chains usually give you some task, or mini game/quiz-type thing from which completing will grant you your innermost wish or somehow make you the first person to single-handedly make it to each and every planet in space, rid the world of all annoying pop stars and become the first human being to figure out why so many kids were and still are obsessed with Pokemon. For one thing, the probability of most of these promises coming true is about as likely as me sprouting wings, and for another, it’s an insult to my intelligence to think that someone hoped I was stupid enough to think this true.

Another thing, maybe one of the most annoying prospect, is the threats themselves. (i.e. “You will slowly die of a deadly disease that no one has heard of for years of you do not send this to at least three hundred people within the next minute” or “You will be trampled by deranged rabid elephants.”). Or, they insinuate that those close to you will die and/or suffer in some way. That’s not only getting too personal, but it’s an outright lie, as is pretty much all the rest of the bull.

I’ve noticed that the cons of the Email chains tend to be a little more outrageous than ones in the form of an actual letter. Still, if you find that you have the time to write a couple of idle threats and promises down and then send it to as many people as you know, you really ought to be sitting in a rocking chair in the corner of a padded cell muttering incoherent phrases to yourself, or at least get some sort of life that does not consist of giggling hysterically every time you imagine what a person’s reaction to your chain will be.

In closing, I’d just like to say that the very mention of a chain letter inspires me to rip the liver out of the next person I see, and if you have a deathwish, please send me one, and don’t forget to leave your return address. Just try it. I dare you. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *gasp, pant* …ha.

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Go away now; I can’t believe you’re still reading.

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