Sacrifice for Memories Sake, By Mewd

Bound by the bonds of my fellow soldiers I was led like a beast into the center of the village, the eyes of many glared at me with a deep hatred for what I had done. And yet I knew that what I did was right, dispite what would become of me in the end. Pushing me down easily, my arms bond behind my back they set me into the dirt as I was kicked, 'Evil bringer!' 'Betraying of those most trusted' 'Beast!' They called me, they yelled in anger. A knight is trained in the way of chivalry, but is it to all to be forgotten when ones morale is in conflict with your duty? I may have deserved what they were doing to me, but I know I couldn't have done anything else. I remember it well; it was all not long ago that it happened. I was a Knight of the highest ranking under the king’s army; I joined because it had always been my dream to be a Knight, to see the world. To do great acts of heroism, and yet the dream was so compelling, I knew the danger that led in its path.
And yet that stopped me not, I wished it more and more as I grew, I joined the regiment of knights in hopes of satiating this relentless desire. I trained as a Page, a Squire and as a Knight, I managed to earn a rank of that of the finest group of knights that served the King. But it was all for naught. We were sent on a mission, to attack an opposing army’s village, I hadn't really cared as I felt I was on my way to glory. I went into battle blind against an enemy I had to quarrel with. I just did as the King told me as I followed him with utter blind faith. The battle was horrid, we attacked head on threw the front gates as their men met our own. The Women and Children and those who could not fight were sent away, the Knights held no desire to slay them, but the battle between the two forces was bloody. I slashed with anger and forth I slayed a man as if he were an insect with no will to live. But as I slew, and fought off more, and took my own blows in turn I was ignorant to the truth still. I was faced with a young boy who bore the enemy crest on his helm, he looked no older then I was when I'd joined the kings army, I easily managed to disarm him, he wasn't as experienced as I was. But as I rose my sword up to slay the boy I realized something. As a tear came down his face as he realized he was to die in battle, and never do what I set out to do in life, I realized something. What made this boy so different then myself? Had I been so mislead by the king that I would slay a man because it was his whim? This wasn't what I dreamed of. This wasn't the longing I wanted to fill. I never wanted blood shed. I wanted to help those in need; I wanted to be a hero, not a monster. Our army’s fought bravely against each other because our leaders held quarrel. But was it justified to waste a human life?
The boy lay beaten in the dust, disarmed and helpless, what had I done? My grip on the hilt of my blade loosened, I dropped my sword in my tracks, and wept threw the downed mask of my helm, I had done such evil blindly. I threw out my hand to the boy, but he was reluctant to take my hand. I couldn't blame him, but I pulled him up anyway, and told him to go, to flee or else his life would be wasted. He fled in fear, I was faced with another foe as the battle still raged, weaponless I merely stared at him as he glared back at me, with a readied sword in hand he could of killed me, but he showed me mercy and told me to take my sword. I refused; I would not fight for any reason now. I'd never be able to make amens for what life’s I'd taken, as guilt welled up in me, I cried out over the heated battle for them all to stop this pointless death. But my speech was in vain; no one paid any heed as it continued.
This.... This senseless man slaughter... Even for those who are willingly ready to die and battle, they deserve not to be slain. It’s not right. We attacked them; they may do the same. Either of the side could call out the evil of their foe and yet be a hypocrite to that there own. I was enraged, I fled from the battle as fast as I could, My wretched cocoon of a life had been shattered as my tears flowed freely. I took my helm off my head and threw down my scabbard as I ran. I ran away from the battle, I'd last my thought and was overcome with emotion. I regret doing so. My fellow Knights and the enemy continued to slaughter each other in turn and all I did was flee, like the coward I was. The Wretched coward I am. I couldn't take the thought of it any more, I felt the realization eat away at me threw guilt, I'd done such evil. And blindly believe it as good.
I ran, I ran over hillsides until the village was a mere speck in the distance. I looked back panting with worry; my friends were to die or were to kill. Smoke rose from the village, I knew not from what it came. They either were burning the village, or the enemy was burning the bodies of my brethren. Either way I was filled with horror. If my Knights had won the battle then those homes and life’s of those who fled would be shattered. They'd leave them to die in the wilderness. It wasn't enough to just capture the village, was it? I cursed aloud. Is it not damned enough that they killed the husbands and fathers of people without caring? Was it?!
I sighed as I looked on silently, wondering which would be the worse scenario. As the sun sank into the distance I stayed there, as if in shock, But merely deep in thought. My world had been shattered, and I knew not what to believe any more.
I was left, hungry, cold, and tired. I knew not my way but I trudged on threw the darkness. I journeyed threw the plains until I reached the very home I had been born in, it took three months but I managed to survive it, if not left scarred in heart and mind.
My true home was long since gone, though my house remained… my parents had died long ago, and as I visited their grave markers first to pay my respects I felt warmth return to my battered ruined life, though if only for a moment. But my priorities were clear. I went to the church for guidance. I confessed openly for all to hear that I'd killed in battle, that I'd done evil. I didn't care who heard me even if it wasn't a priest, if rumors spread of evil in my name I cared not. I gave not a damn.
I told all that I could recall, every battle, every slaughter. It was all a blur. I hated that fact, that all that I thought was heroism was but a senseless manslaughter and yet I held little memory of all the evil. I'd done no good, and I confessed it all.
I was told that in battle, sacrifices must be made.
But if its not for the good of all? Were battles for those who had no quarrel right? Was it all justified because the rulers felt it should be so? I told them that, they gave no response. They had no further advice for me. At that, I kneeled down and began to beg God for forgiveness for what I had done, aloud for all to hear. They were irritated at me for my actions, I'd been rude in all aspects to these priests and people but my repentance was more important to me then that. I was told to leave as I was disrupting others prayers with my screamed cries for the lord to forgive me. They forced me out then. I could not hold it against them though, but I felt insulted. It was a holy place and yet for one who'd done so much evil they didn't wish me to repent. Or, atleast not there.
I lived in the village for years then, in the house I had grown up in.
I had to buy it back from a thief; he'd claimed it for his own once my parents had passed away. But I lived there, ever contemplating the truth of it all, wondering what it all meant, life, everything. I prayed with equal vigor every night for forgiveness. And yet I know I can never make up for it. I felt I deserved to burn in hell for the murdering I'd done. But I sought forgiveness anyway. But word quickly spread of me, and as two years passed I was greeted at my door by the knights I have been ranked with, or those that had survived. There was many a new face and some had probably died in battle. But in any case they came and told me that by order by the king, all that do not obey his law shall be prosecuted. It didn't matter that we were old friends, he acted as if I was soulless fir disobeying his king. Because I had ran away I had disobeyed orders. And in that I was bond by my arms and led into the center of the village. No trial for me, I was punished then and there.
They beat me, they yelled at me; I felt it not punishment for running, but punishment for what I'd done. I accepted it, knowing I deserved it. I lay in the mud silently as they beat me and yell at me, and all the village people merely looked on with mild interest. They didn't really care; it wasn't them there in the dirt.
What was to happen to me, I didn't know, take me to the dungeon maybe? I was angry at myself, I wasted my life. I never became the hero I wanted to be. I didn't fulfill the deepest desire in me that roared now like a blazing fire. They asked of me, "Say, now traitor. Have you repentance for you disloyalty to our king?"
I told them I would call no man king who would bid such horror justifiable as those I'd witnessed, for this they beat me further. And would ask the question again, and again I would say the same. I was near death, I knew it. But just as I felt I was to die for all my trouble, they left, tired of beating me and so, I lay in the dirt unable to move. They knew I was a traitor but took mercy on me, they'd rather I suffer then I die. They left the village satisfied with what they done. But I knew now that it’s not the end. It took me a year to heal from the wounds they'd given me; still I had to work for my money. Some were generous and took pity on me enough to give me a few bronze pieces, but I had to suffer threw my wounds and continue to live. Once I no longer bore the pain bringing injuries, and health was with me once more I realized that, I should live life the way I want. If I want to be a hero then I shall seek it on my own, Knight or not. I shall travel the lands and seek out those who need help, fulfill this desire that I treasure more then life itself. And live for the reason I want. I shall go and seek out those in need, I doubt it will be at all as easy as I feel, but I shall.
At that, I shall take my leave. To seek out just adventures of my own. I don't know what will happen to me, but if I die even the next day by lightning, I'll know I atleast knew what I really wanted. In life.

The end, or merely the beginning


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