Koopa Bond

By Mewd

It was thundering out by the old museum of useless #%@#. A black figure is creeping through the dark halls. It comes to a lighted display of a golden scepter with the letters KYU engraved in it. The figure blows powder on to the display and red trip mine lasers appear. The figure puts its hand through a hole in the lasers and uses a glass-cutter to cut into the glass surrounding the scepter. The figure takes it and quickly runs down the halls.

Koopa Bond!

Later that night…

A dark, dark, dark, dark, car drives up into a driveway. It stops in front of the garage… but then drives through it and smashes through the other side.

Voice: Learn how to drive to your house!

The car skids around the road until it flies off a bridge and rams into a mountain. But instead off crashing, a part of the mountain flings open and the car drives through the hole leading into a cave.


Mean while…

In the underground fortess of international secret agents, Agent Triple Double Back Slash Lemmy Dot Com is having the worst time with one of his new spy gadgets.

Lemmy: Blast this infernal machine, blast it! Open up!

Bowser: Uh, that’s the pop machine.

Lemmy: I knew that… no, really, I did!

Bowser: You know why I called you here?

Lemmy: No, I don’t. Do tell.

Bowser: Okay… first we have been told tha…

Lemmy is playing Nintendo.

Bowse: Can you hold your attention span for more than two seconds?!

Lemmy: Gee, that sound’s tought. Do I have too?

Bowser: Yes!

Lemmy: Bah.

Bowser: Anyway, like I was saying…

Lemmy jumps on the ceiling fan and goes around and around.

Bowser: Get down!

Lemmy: This is fun!

Bowser turns the fan on high and Lemmy goes around and around really fast and then flies off and hits the wall.

Lemmy: Again! Again!


Lemmy is duct-taped to the wall.

Bowser: Note to self- buy more duct-tape and keep Lemmy away from sugar.

Lemmy twitches. The room lights go off and Bowser turns a projector on. Bowser stands in front of the screen with a yardstick. A shadow makes bunny ears on him.

Bowser: How’d your arms get free?!

Bowser jumps over to Lemmy and tackles him.


Lemmy has duct-tape covering every part of his body besides his eyes.

Bowser: Now…

The screen flashes and the screen shows a big museum.

Bowser: Now, this is the museum Anti Potty Moo, Moos Top.


The screen flashes again and shows a display with a big shiny scepter on it.

Bowser: This is the shiny scepter of something-or-other. This scepter was stolen last night.

Lemmy: Ooo, nice effect!

Bowser: How’d your mouth get free?!

Bowser tackles Lemmy and the projector falls over.


Bowser: Okay… we believe that the evil, smelly, not nice bad guy PIKAS took it.

Lemmy: Why?

Bowser: ‘Cause he is probably going to use it to do something not nice.

Lemmy: Why?

Bowser: ‘Cause he isn’t that nice and he’s a meanie and he smells and his mama dresses him funny.

Lemmy: Why?

Bowser: ‘Cause he just is, so shut up!

Lemmy: Why?

Bowser: ‘Cause I say so!

The screen flashes as the projector changes the picture. It shows a small Pikachu (shutter) as sickingly cute as they come. It is wearing a small gray hat a gray tie. He is holding a walking stick with carvings of dancing Pikachus on it.

Lemmy: AWWWW, ain’t that cute?

Bowser hits Lemmy with his yardstick.

Bowser: This is the evil Mr. Pikas! Wanted for stealing, blowing stuff up, attempting to take over the world two hundred times this month, and being so cute it makes you want to puke.

The screen flashes again as the projector changes its slide. The picture shows a Jigglypuff wearing a black jump suit with a big letter P on it. She is holding a gun and wearing shades.

Bowser: This is Agent Double O Jigglypuff. We think she works for Pikas because we have 50 pictures of her hugging, kissing, chasing and begging for attention from Pikas. Plus, we have a picture of her stealing the scepter from the museum, but we’re still not sure.

The slide changes to Jigglypuff holding the scepter and making faces at the camera.

Bowser: We believe one of Mr. Pikas’s other henchmen stole it but… wait, why are we showing this if she didn’t do it? Stupid writer.

Writer: No, stupid Bowser.

A coned shape hat with the word DUMB on it falls from the sky and lands on Bowser’s head.

Bowser: What the… hey it won’t come off!

Writer: On with the story!

Bowser: Anyway, avoid her at all costs unless she has candy or says she’ll take you someplace special.

The slide changes. It show’s a young Koopa girl wearing a spy uniform.

Lemmy: Yeah! I get to take a mission with a cute girl!

Bowser: This is some one not involved with the story at all and whom you will never, ever meet… you will be taking this mission with…

The slide changes to a picture of Wendy O. Koopa.

Bowser: Your annoying sister Wendy…

The slide changes to a picture of Mario with his foot stuck in a toilet.

Bowser: And Agent 56 Pasta Muncher…

The slide changes to a picture of Morton Koopa Jr.

Bowser: Agent Talks Too Much…

The slide changes one more time, this time to a picture of Toad, the Mushroom Retainer.

Bowser: And last but least, Agent Cusses A Lot.

Lemmy’s mouth is open in horror. He is about to scream, yell, and throw a big hissy tantrum, but he is stopped by a big fly flying into his gaping maw. Lemmy starts to choke and grabs his neck and falls over choking.

Bowser: Good boy. Now meet me outside this big nifty abandones warehouse at something something hours.

Scene Two… Outside…

Lemmy met Bowser outside at some thing something hours and was waiting the arrival of his mission mates or whatever you call them...

Lemmy: When are they going to get here?

Bowser: I have no idea.

Hours pass…

Lemmy has his head tilted back and his mouth is slowly filling with drool and it is leaking out the sides of his mouth ‘cause there is too much and it’s bubbling ‘cause it’s so hot.

Bowser: Get here now!

A bird flies into Lemmy’s mouth and takes a bath.

More hours pass…

Bowser: They’ll never get here! We’re doomed! Doomed I tell you! Doomed! For those of you not paying attention,  DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO (15 minutes later) OOOMED!

Bowser conked out from not breathing for 15 minutes.Then a car drives up. Morton, Wendy, Toad and Mario walk out of the car’s door.

Lemmy: Snore… snort huh?

Bowser: Ugh! Where were you guys?!

Toad: What the @#%@#ing !@$!@ do you mean?! We are only 15 minutes late!

Bowser: Anyway… the five of you will be using this big nifty car that transforms and stuff to get around.

Toad: Where do we start?

Bowser: Search me…

They search Bowser and find a cat, some ultra sweet sugar pop, and a copy of the magazine “Clawdia’s Secret”.

Bowser: Hey! That’s my lunch!

Lemmy: A cat… never mind, I don’t want to know.

Bowser: Give me back my stuff and get outta here! I have other things to deal with.

Lemmy: Like what?

Bowser: Things… Go away! You bother me!

Lemmy: But... but...

Bowser: No buts!

Scene Three… The Museum…

The agents first went to the museum ‘cause… well… I don’t know where else they would go.

Tour Guide: Andnd on your left is a big plastic dinosaur and on your right is one made of paper glue and popsicle sticks.

Lemmy: Clearly the work of some one with scissors and glue and too much free time... Peter Puppy-Earthworm Jim.

Tour Guide: And this is where the scepter of shiny objects was before it was stolen.

Toad: Hmm… were there any clues found?

Tour Guide: No… unless all of these scraps of paper left by the robber with the words “Pikas was here” on it count as clues.

Lemmy: Hmm…

Wendy: This is boring! I want to go home and watch Oprah or something!

Toad: Shut the @%@#% up!

Morton: Why are we working for a stupid spy operation thing anyway? This is boring and stupid and I’m hungry and when are we going home? I don’t like working with Wendy, Toad, or the stupid, big, enormous and rather large plumber thing and what are we doing this for?

Mario: Hey!

Lemmy: We’re doing this to get sugar!

Tour Guide: Ahhhhh!

The tour guide runs away screaming at a fast pace.

Lemmy: Hey lookie!

Lemmy picks up a piece of paper with the “Pikas was here” messege but at the bottom it read “visit our website at www.agentdoubleOjigglypuff.com!

Lemmy: Quickly, to a computer!

Later, after hacking into the museum’s computer and tieing the tour guide up and dunking his head into the toilet a few times…

The spy team is in awe at the flickering lights on the screen.

Wendy: Does anyone know how to work the Internet?

They all look at each other bug-eyed and scream.

Hours pass…

Lemmy: Let’s see... What do we use this for?

Lemmy looks at Wendy, who is holding the book: The Internet for Extremely Dumb Idiots.

Wendy: It say’s that’s the mouse.

Lemmy: Mouse? It looks nothing like a mouse!

Mario: Mouse…

Mario grabs the mouse and eats it and the wire hanging out of his mouth twitches.

Mario: Yummy.

Lemmy: Idiot!

Three weeks later…

Lemmy is wheeling the mouse around the screen.

Lemmy: This is fun!

Mario has a big patch on his stomach.

Lemmy: Okay, now that we can move this fun mouse thing what do we do next?

Wendy: It says to type in the wanted URL.

Lemmy: What’s a URL?

One month, three weeks, two days, seven hours, and twenty minutes later…

Lemmy: We’re never going to get it!

Toad walks up, hits Lemmy, types in the URL, and pushes enter. A cute animated gif. of Agent Double O Jigglypuff waves its arms up and down with a happy face. Lemmy reads the words and scrolls down slowly.


Toad hits Lemmy and kicks him out of the chair and Toad reads the words.

Toad: “Welcome to my NEATO website! I’m AGENT DOUBLE O JIGGLYPUFF! That’s a secret so DON”T tell no one… I like Mr. PIKAS ‘cause he’s cute and stuff. PIKAS RULES! He’s cute, oh so cute, and so cute! I WANNA MARRY HIM!

Toad looks at the screen with the are-you-crazy-look and starts to blow chunks. After Toad returns from the bathroom they continue.

Toad: “PIKAS, PIKAS, and PIKAS! I like liven at this NEATO underground fortress of cool NEATO stuff! Plus, we live near these cool retired villains! Like doctor ROBOTNIC! I live at 555 EVIL VILLIAN LANE, 15773 BAD GUY HQ, NIVEN (a city on Plit). I leave my door open all night and never lock it ‘cause I like it cold inside and stuff. Oh and that’s a secret too! So don’t tell anyone! I’m going on a road trip tonight! FUN, FUN, FUN! And we’re going to do something about some boring plan THINGY with this silly scepter thing I borrowed from a museum… but PIKAS is coming so it IS FUN, FUN! We’re meeting on a train that’s leaving at 5:10 from the Koopa Master Train Station.Oh that’s a secret too! I’m not supposed to tell anyone ‘cause it would ruin OUR MASTER PLAN THINGY.”

Lemmy: What kind of stupid hitch-person would go blabbing out their boss’s master plan and then post it on the Internet?

Wendy: Well, I would…

Mario: Does it say anything else, Toad?

Toad: No, just more stuff about Pikas and his entire top secret plans, not anything good… OH! Here’s a love thing!

Toad clicks on the link and looks at the page.

TOAD: Sweet mother of… I can’t believe ahhhhhhh! It’s horrible! Too sick!

Toad quickly hits the back button.

Toad: It says here “If you think PIKAS is a stupid smelly thing or something click here.”

Toad clicks it and the computer explodes. The fire quickly spreads and Toad’s head catches fire. Toad screams and runs around screaming words not fit for print.

Wendy: Should we help him?

Mario: Nah, he can take care of it.

Morton: Now that we saw some stuff on the Internet and wasted a month trying to figure out how to use the Internet, what do we do? This is boring and that website is stupid and the fire is catching everything on fire and Toad is a screaming running thing but I like that HA, HA, HA! And when’s our lunchbreak? I’m hungry. Gimme food now! I want pickles and a hamburger and cheese spread and that canned cheese stuff and- oh yeah! Wedding cake!  Wedding cake rules! I have a website full of pictures of my favorite wedding cakes!

Lemmy jams some paper and glue down Morton’s throat and puts him on display.

Lemmy: Maybe that train thing is our first clue! But I wish we could have at least known who stole the scepter.

Will our spy friends figure out who stole the wand (as if you didn’t know)?

They left the museum and jumped in their neato transforming car thingy. Suddenly the entire museum is covered in a blazing inferno of fire. Toad screams and runs out of the museum. He jumps in the car with the others and they speed off. The museum explodes in a burst of flames and turns to ashes. It falls apart.


The TV set in the car turns on and Bowser’s face is on it.

Bowser: I want the bunch of you to come back to HQ for some new nifty spy gadget things.

LEMMY: Yeah!

Toad: Why the @%@#%@# #!@%@% should we @#%@#% and @#^@#^%# come back !#%!%!#%^#!^ @^@#^@#^ ?!

Wendy: They don’t call you Agent Cusses Too Much for nothing.

Morton jams a bar of soap into Toad’s mouth.

Lemmy: We’ll meet you there in a quickly way!

Hours later…

Lemmy: Why aren’t we moving?

Wendy: Ahem, you have to turn the key!

Lemmy: Oh!

Lemmy turns the key and they’re off.

Scene four… HQ Again

They made it back to HQ with little trouble.

Lemmy: Traffic signals are for losers.

Wendy: Yeah, well, we can tell by the way you drive.

They enter the big empty warehouse... err... I mean their big fancy HQ. Yeah, that’s it.

They open the door and the sound of dripping water echoes through the building. They walk up to Bowser, who is sitting next to a table with a bunch of random brick-a-brak.

Lemmy: Okay, where’s these new spy gadgets?

Bowser: Well…

Lemmy grabs something from the table. It looks like a watch.

Lemmy: Ooh! Is this a time bomb? A high tech laser? A toenail clipper?

Bowser: No… it’s a watch.

Lemmy: Okay.

Wendy: Where are these “gadgets” then?

Bowser: Here’s a nifty one!

Bowser holds up a gun.

Lemmy: And how is this a nifty spy gadget?

Bowser: You push the trigger and bubbles come out! FUN!

Lemmy looks at Bowser with the are-you-crazy look. Toad takes it.

Wendy: Anything else?

Bowser: Look at this!

Bowser holds up a powder box.

Lemmy: Ooh! Is it filled with poisonous powder or at least itching powder?

Bowser: No… just flower.

Wendy takes it.

Lemmy: Any real spy gadgets?

Bowser: Well, how about this?

Bowser hands Lemmy a pair of sun glasses.

Lemmy: And these do what?

Bowser: They make you look cool! Oh, and they have a hidden lock pick on the side but that’s no big deal.

Morton takes it.

 Lemmy: Hey, that’s mine!

Morton: I don’t see your name on it!

Lemmy takes out a big red marker and writes his name all over Morton’s face.

Lemmy: Gimme one!

Bowser: Well, I have nothing left but…

Lemmy: But, but?

Bowser: No buts!

Bowser whacks Lemmy with the yardstick he had earlier.

Lemmy: How’d you get that back?

Bowser: Lemmy, you get…

Lemmy glares with wide eyes with one thought in his head.

Lemmy: (thinking) Please let it be a gun! A real one!

Bowser: You get the watch.

Lemmy: What?! ! These are the most pathetic spy gadgets ever!

Bowser: What’d you want?! The author’s not made of money! And we’re over budget as it is! And we still haven’t paid for the bad guy’s secret hideout!

Bowser shoves the group out the door.

Bowser: Now get outta here!

Bowser slams the door shut.

Wendy: Well that was pointless.

Morton: Speak for yourself! I look cool in these shades! And looking cool is everything in these spy movie things. I don’t really like these kind of movies ‘cause they’re boring and they have no humor and the writer is always thinking up lamer plots every time and the writer is stupid and…

Suddenly Morton’s head catches on fire for no reason.

Morton: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Put it out!

Morton runs around in circles for no reason thinking it will put the fire out but with no luck. Morton’s only choice is to jump into the sewer… and so he does.

Morton: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Morton falls into a stream of raw sewage. Suddenly the current of the water rises and Morton is swept away.

Lemmy: Should we save him?

Morton: Save me! Save me!

Toad: Nah, let’s wait a minute.

Later that day…

Morton is back on the sidewalk drenched in sewage.

Morton: Why didn’t you save me?!

Lemmy: We had to get something to eat.

Morton: But the sewer gator and the rats!

Lemmy: Don’t worry, we brought you back a doggy bag.

Morton: Note to self- don’t anger the writer again.

Lemmy hands Morton the doggy bag.

Morton: Oh well, at least I got something to eat.

Morton opens the doggy bag and a rabid cockroach jumps out and viciously attacks Morton.

Writer: Heh heh.

Morton: All right, I give up!


The five secret agents jump into their car and a transformation scene takes place and the big shiny car turns into a bright red wagon.

Lemmy: Onward!

Wendy: Uh, Lemmy, I think we should turn it back.

Lemmy: Why? Doesn’t this wagon seem intimidating to bad guys?

Toad: No!

Toad smashes the button on the control panel that says “don’t push or else”. The wagon turns back into a car.

Lemmy: My wagon!

Lemmy starts crying.

Mario: Shut up you cry baby! Let’s stop at Mickey D’s before going to the train station.

Wendy: But we already did earlier in the story!

Mario: Well I’m hungry again!

Lemmy: Hold on tight, ‘cause here we go!

Lemmy rams his foot onto the gas. The car shoots off through a house or two on its mission. Bat man theme plays. DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN Snack Cake Man! Wrong story! Whoops! A spinning newspaper hits the sound boy. On with the story!

Scene Five… The Station of Doom

After a quick stop at every fast food joint on the way, the agents decided that Mario shouldn’t drive anymore. Lemmy took control and quickly rammed through a short cut through a few helpless bystanders. They made it to the train station. A man seemed angry that they parked on top of his car. They made a stakeout even though they had arrived five hours earlier then the time that Pikas was going to come. Mario through a tantrum when he found out that there was no steak involved in a stakeout.

Wendy: Are they here yet? Are they here yet? Are they here yet?

Lemmy: For the one-billionth time in the last five minutes, No!

Morton: This is stupid!

Lemmy: And so are you!

Mario: I’m still hungry!

Lemmy: Sigh… You all are complete idiots… how did you ever get into the spy business?

Wendy and Morton: Being related to the boss.

Mario and Toad: Begging.

The hours passed and every hour seemed like twelve hours.The people walking around either laughed at the agents or threw money at Toad.

Toad: I’m rich! So long suckers!

Toad tried to get away but luckily Lemmy had chained him to a lamp post.

Hours later…

Lemmy: I’ve never been so bored.

Lemmy looks to his left and sees Toad trying to chew through the lamp post.Wendy is reading a book on how to kill your siblings and not get caught. Morton is talking to the birds, who died slowly one by one. Mario is looking at a cookbook. He randomly rips a page out of the book and eats it. Lemmy looks at his watch and sets the alarm so that it would wake him when the set time arrived. Then he settles down for a quick nap.

Five seconds later…

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP goes Lemmy’s watch.

Lemmy: Wow, time really flies when you want to sleep but can’t!

It is dark out and the rest of the gang is asleep. Lemmy squints and looks into the darkness. There is some neat steam effect and a shadow walks onto a train that is about to leave.

Lemmy: Hey! Stop the train! That was Pikas!

Lemmy kicks Toad like football onto the top of the train.

Lemmy: Go get him!

Toad: #@%@#%@#%@#% @#%@#%#@% @#%@#%@#%!

Lemmy: Whatever.

Lemmy looks down and sees the buffet car.

Lemmy: And save me some of that cheesecake!

The train starts to move and Toad quickly gets into the train.

Lemmy: I knew we should have bought tickets!

Lemmy wakes Wendy and Mario up.

Wendy: I don’t want to wear the pink dress mummy.

Lemmy: Wake up!

Mario: So where’s the train?

Lemmy: It left.

Wendy: Where’s Agent Cusses A Lot?

Lemmy: On the train.

Mario: Where’s Pikas?

Lemmy: On the train.

Morton starts to wake up.

Morton: I want to wear the pink dress mummy.

Lemmy: Don’t wake up!


The four spies are in their car. They drive it onto the train tracks.

Lemmy: Hold on tight, ‘cause here we go!

The car drives along the tracks after the train.

Wendy: Next time we buy tickets!

Lemmy: I’d love to but it’s not in the budget.

Morton: Nothing is in the budget!

Lemmy: Hey, we got this neato cardboard car, didn’t we?

Mean while…

Ticket Taker: Tickets! Tickets please.

Toad bumps into him and falls over.

Ticket Taker: Tickets please, Mr. Funny Mushroom Man.

Toad: Well, gee, uh, hey! Look behind you! A three headed monkey!

Ticket Taker: Where?!

He turns his back and Toad uses a tazer on him. He conks out and Toad takes his uniform.

Toad: Gets ‘em every time.

Toad looks to his left and sees the buffet. He pulls out a large bag.

Toad: Just what I wanted.

He stuffes food into the sack.

Meanwhile, in the dark car of the train, an evil is doing some thing not nice.

Jigglypuff: Got any three’s?

An evil looking Meowth wearing a black jump suit with a P on it responds in an evil tone.

Meowth: Go fish! (DUN, DUN, DUNNNN!)

Jigglypuff rams her fist down onto the card deck with an evil look.

Mr. Pikas: I do not pay you to play cards.

Meowth: You don’t?

Mr. Pikas: Of course I don’t!

Meowth: Then why’d you drag us onto this train? I hope for the free buffet!

Mr. Pikas: Idiot! We are here to steal the shipment of a special gem!

Jigglypuff: Why?

Mr. Pikas: Sigh… Have you forgot the whole plan?

Meowth: Yep.

Jigglypuff: Yeah.

Mr. Pikas: I shall hurt you both when we get back to HQ!

Mr. Pikas opens a crate near by and the room is filled with a blue light. A heavenly sound is heard.

Mr. Pikas: Stupid sound effects!


Lemmy: Okay, this is the moment of truth!

Lemmy is up on the hood of the car and Mario is at the wheel.

Mario: What’s the plan again?

Lemmy: Wendy and me jump onto the train and you ram the car into a sheer mountain face.

Mario: Ooh! Now I get it!

The car nears the back of the train.

Lemmy: On three!

Wendy gets onto the hood of the car.

Lemmy: One, two, two and a half, three!

Lemmy jumps at the train and almost makes it but misses. He hits the track and the car runs over him. The car makes a thud sound when Lemmy goes under. They stop the car and go back. Lemmy is facedown on the tracks with a mouth of broken teeth.

Lemmy: Why didn’t you jump?

Wendy: Didn’t feel like it.


Wendy: Plan B time.

Lemmy: What’s plan B?

Mario hits the eject button. Lemmy’s seat is ejected fifty feet upward.

Wendy: Did you remember to pack the parachute?

Mario: What parachute?


Lemmy: I should never have buckled my seat belt or I wouldn’t be going to crash into that moving train.

Lemmy looks at the screen.

Lemmy: Kids, don’t buckle up or you’ll end up like me.

Seconds later…

Lemmy: Goodbye cruel world!

Lemmy hits the train and smashes through the roof of the buffet car. Lemmy falls on Toad, who has stuffed every bit of food into his sack.

Lemmy: Hey, I told you to save me some cheesecake!

Toad: (burp) You can’t prove nuthin!

Lemmy: Have you found where Mr. Pikas is hiding?

Toad: (burp) No.

Lemmy: Have you done anything besides eat everything in site?

Toad: Hey! I saved everyone some green slimy stuff.

Lemmy: That’s clams.

Toad: Whatever.

Suddenly an evil laugh fills the train.

Lemmy: Neat! Who’d they get to do the sound effects?


Morton: Shouldn’t we help the others?

Wendy is sitting back and relaxing

Wendy: Nah, they can handle it.

Back on the train…

Lemmy and Toad are making their way through the train looking for the derded, smelly, and not nice Mr. Pikas.

Toad: When are we gonna get there?

Lemmy: Shut up! Just shut up!

Meanwhile, a few cars over…

Jigglypuff: Give me a kiss!

Mr. Pikas: No! For the last time! No!

Jigglypuff: Please! With ultra sweet sugar pop on top!

Mr. Pikas ignores her.

Mr. Pikas: Meowth, are you done yet?

Meowth: Uhhh, uhhh…

Meowth quickly turns his Game Boy off.

Meowth: Yeah…

Mr. Pikas quickly jams his extremely evil yet cute paw onto a button. Then it blows up. Pikas’s charred body walks over to Meowth. Mr. Pikas hits him.

Mr. Pikas: You said it was ready!

Meowth: I lied. Hey, who wants to get something to eat?

Suddenly, Lemmy bursts into the next car and yells.

Lemmy: AH HA! So this is where you’re hiding, you evil people!

Announcer: B 19… B 19…

Toad: This is a Bingo tournament. You %#@%@% idiot!

Lemmy: Yeah… it’s evil… and your point is?

Toad: Since when do they have @#%@%@#% Bingo tournaments on $#^$#^$#^$ trains?

Lemmy: Well this evil has spread so much that people can’t go anywhere without taking it with them.

Announcer: O 700… O 700…

Guy: Bingo!

Lemmy: (gasp) This evil must stop!

The screen goes to outside the train. Screams and gunshots are heard.

Lemmy: AH HA! Die evil balls!

The sound of a machine gun as it shoots repeatedly is heard. The screen goes back to inside, where the place is now a mess with all the tables upside down and everything broken. Toad and Lemmy stand with smoking guns.

Lemmy: Well, that was three seconds of pure joy… now what?

Toad: At least we didn’t get these #@%#@% suits infested with @!%!@%!@ evil Bingo germs or something.

Lemmy: Maybe we should call the others to see if they’re okay.

Lemmy pulls out a portable walkie-talkie made of cardboard.

Toad: Stupid budget… making us resort to cardboard weapons and gadgets.

Lemmy: Well, there are only five more cars on this train… Pikas has to be in one of them unless he escaped or something.

Toad: You can call the #@%#@%@#% others now.L

emmy: Agent OO Triple Back Slash Lemmy Dot Com, calling team…


Beep… Beep… Beep…

Wendy: Yes, yes, who the heck is it?

Wendy picks up her cardboard walkie-talkie.

Lemmy: Hello? This is Lemmy! How ya doin?

Wendy: What’d you want?!

Lemmy: I want some cheesecake!

Wendy: Idiot!

Lemmy: Are you guys okay? You haven’t gotton on the train yet.

Wendy: Uh, yeah, we’re working on it.


Wendy turns the walkie-talkie off. The screen pulls back to show they’re at the Koopa Burger.

Morton: And I want lots and lots of crispy, crunchy fries ‘cause they’re yummy and…

The intercom Morton was ordering the food through started to make screaming noises.

Mario: Next time I order the food!


Toad: What’d they say?

Lemmy: They said they’re working on it.

Toad: Ah, so they skipped town and ditched us.

Lemmy: Yep!

They bust into the next car and see Pikas, Jigglypuff, and Meowth.

Mr. Pikas: Engage!

Lemmy: Whoops! Wrong car.

Suddenly the cars behind the car they’re in disconnect and drift back down the hill the train was climbing.

Mr. Pikas: Going somewhere?

Lemmy: Well we can’t go back, so lets go forward.

The train reaches the top of the hill and suddenly the car transforms into a jet plane! Imagine that…

Lemmy: Whoa!

The cars in front of the one they are in disconnect from the others and fly off into the sky.

Lemmy: Handy… where’d you get the flying train car?

Mr. Pikas: None of your business!

Toad: Ahhhhh #@%@#%^@#^@#@#*@! We’re doomed!

Lemmy: So you’re the evil Mr. Pikas!

Mr. Pikas: I have only one thing to say to you…

The screen changes to outside the flying train car. Lemmy and Toad are falling and screaming.

Toad: Lemmy, fall over here so I can hit you!

Lemmy: Is it my fault Pikas doesn’t like you?

Toad: I think him throwing us overboard wasn’t my fault ‘cause it was yours!

Lemmy: Don’t worry, there’s water down there! It’ll break our fall!

The screen focuses on the water. But they hit the ground that is ten feet away from the water.

Toad: #$^#$^#$^@$^&#%*$(I#$%@$&&@$&*($#&*&$#^@^@^@$^@#^!

Lemmy: You can say that again.

Toad: #$^#$^#$^@$^&#%*$(I#$%@$&&@$&*($#&*&$#^@^@^@$^@#^!

Lemmy: Better call the others...


Lemmy: What took you so long?

Wendy: Driving back over the border takes awhile.

Mario: So, figure out anything important?

Lemmy: Do I ever? I think not.

Toad: Wait, before he threw us overboard I remember him saying that he was going to take over the world.

Lemmy: And? Tell us some thing we don’t know... Hey! I dropped my watch back on their ship!

Wendy: What luck!

Mario: Huh?

Wendy: It has a tiny tracking device on it! We can track down where he’s going!

Lemmy: Bowser didn’t tell us that.

Wendy: I know… it’s just a confusing plot twist to keep the story going.

Morton: Darn that writer! Darn him to heck!

Suddenly a truck hits Morton.

Morton: Not again!

A lightning bolt hits Morton.


People in white lab coats are dragging Morton off.

Morton: No! It’s not me! The writer made me do it!

Man: Surrrrrrre….

Lemmy: After that watch!

The spy team (minus Morton) jumps into the car and races off. Batman theme plays.

Axem Yellow: Snack Cake Man!

Lemmy: How’d you get here?

They throw Yellow over the side of the moving car.

Lemmy: And don’t come back!


Mr. Pikas: Now… We have all the parts! My master plan slowly falls into place. Meowth! Have you purchased that island of doom yet?

Meowth is on the phone with a credit card in his hand.

Meowth: Working on it!

Lady on phone: Congratz! You now own your own island of doom. Thank you for shopping on the Evil Villain Shopping Network.

Scene Six… Let’s Get to That Island!

Toad: @#%@#^@^@ Morton!

Morton: Get me out of here!

The screen pulls back to see Toad talking to Morton through a glass wall with a telephone.

Toad: Nah, you stay here in the loony ben while we go fight Pikas.

Morton: Noooooooooooo!


Lemmy turns on a tiny TV in the car and a tin red bleep flies across the screen.

Lemmy: Okay… they’re going south! No, north! No, left! No, the other left!

Wendy swerves from side to side, ramming into everything in sight for the sake of distraction.

Lemmy: They’re going out to sea!

Wendy drives on to the docks.


Toad: Wait, we don’t have the program to turn this thing into a boat!

The car shoots off the end of the dock and hits a bypassing garbage boat.

Lemmy: Wendy, remind me never to let you drive!

Wendy: Okay.

Captain: Aye matey, are ye looking for something?

Mario: Ahhhhhhhh! An old sailor type person!

They all scream and jump off the boat.

Toad: Well, #@%@%@*@% you Captain Garbage!

Captain: Aye, how’d you be a knowing my name?!

Lemmy: Well, guess we’ll have to swim after them…


A big boat with a big P on it jets across the water.

Mr. Pikas: Are we almost there?

Meowth: Almost Captain.

They look up ahead and see a cardboard cut out of an island.

Mr. Pikas: Is that the best we could afford?

Meowth: With our budget? Yes!

Jigglypuff: Please Pikas, just a little kiss!

Mr. Pikas: No! Leave me alone!

Jigglypuff starts chasing Pikas. They land on the island… sort of.

Mr. Pikas: Soon my plan for world domination will be complete! MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA, hack, cough, cough!


The spy team is riding on a big boat.

Lemmy: Wow, I can’t believe we found a boat we could borrow so soon!

Wendy: Though the guy chasing us looked pretty mad when we stole it.

Lemmy: Borrowed!


They smash into the beach with the boat still going.

Lemmy: This is fun!

The boat keeps going until it rams through a mountain.

Lemmy: Okay, Wendy, you can stop it now.

The boat suddenly stops and Lemmy is flung forward. The boat tips over on its side. Lemmy flies through the air and hits the wall of a big castle.

Lemmy: I think we found Mr. Pikas’s castle of doom!

Lemmy slowly slides off.

Wendy: Can we just drive through the wall, run over Pikas, and go home?

Lemmy: No! We have to have a long stupid scene or the writer will make sure we get tortured!


Lemmy pushes the doorbell on the front door of the castle.

Jigglypuff: Who’s there?

Lemmy: Pizza boy!

Jigglypuff: Goodie!

Jigglypuff opens the door, only to get flour thrown in her face.

Jigglypuff: Ahhhh! I can’t see!

Lemmy kicks her and ties her up with dental floss.

Lemmy: Now let us in or I’ll have to hurt you!

Wendy: The door isn’t locked.

Mario: Can we end this story before lunch?

Toad: Onward!

They walk in and before them stands a long hallway.

Lemmy: Now all we need is to get separated.

Suddenly a trap door opens and Mario falls through.

Lemmy: Great…

Toad: @$#^@$ this!

Toad walks off into a random room.

Lemmy: That leaves you and me to look for Pikas.

Wendy: I knew I was doomed from the start!


Meowth: Gem!

Jigglypuff throws her cards at Meowth.

Mr. Pikas: Don’t you know how to do anything besides play cards?

Meowth: It’s our prime directive.

Mr. Pikas slaps his forehead.

Mr. Pikas: Okay, there are intruders in the castle! I want you to seek and destroy! Try to do that with out falling down.

Meowth: Will do.

Meowth and Jigglypuff inmetdetly get up and fall over.T hey crawl away while Pikas goes over to a large computer.

Mr. Pikas: Once I beat those spies, there will be nothing to stop me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA!

Pikas pushes a button on the computer. It explodes and his charred body tweaks.

Mr. Pikas: Wrong button.


Toad: Hmm…

Toad stares at a huge neon sigh pointing to a door that reads “Pikas’s evil,not nice lab thingy is not in here”. Toad looks to his right to see an innocent looking door.

Toad: There is only one way to decide which path is the correct one!

Toad goes off screen and brings back an extra.

Toad: Okay bud, go in this innocent looking door.

The extra does as he is asked. Sounds of a throttling chain-saws, rabid hamsters, gunshots, and of the extra screaming in pain followed by an explosion are heard.

Toad: Is it safe?


Jigglypuff: We caught us a fat plumber agent!

Mario is smushed in an extremely small cage.

Meowth: How dumb can you be, to follow a trail of peanuts into that cage?

Mario: Well they looked so yummy and tasty...

Jigglypuff looks at Meowth and bursts into a fit of laughter.

Somewhere else…

Lemmy and Wendy walk down a dark hallway. There is no light.

Lemmy: Don’t worry Wendy, I’ll get us out of here! Take my hand! We’ve been lost in this room for half a hour but I’ll find a way out!

Suddenly the lights turn on.

Wendy: Next time turn the lights on before walking aimlessly through the room.

Lemmy: Okay, but you go first into the next room.

Wendy shrugs as she enters the next room. The sound of a herd of mad ducks pecking at Wendy viciously fills Lemmy’s ears.

Lemmy: Is it safe?

Lemmy waits for her response. He waits two hours.

Lemmy: Pretty wall. I like the color of the stone. I should get the number of Pikas’s decorator.

Lemmy walks away with little knowledge of what to do next. He finds a door with a note hanging from the door handle. It reads “Pikas’s secret and not to be seen lab is not in here so don’t even think of looking”. Lemmy opens the door. A bunch of flickering computer screens flicker with colors.

Lemmy: There is only one thing to say to something as evil as this room- neato torpedo!

Lemmy runs over to a comp and randomly pushes buttons, hoping it will blow up for the sake of destruction. Mr. Pikas walks in with a newspaper in front of his face.

Mr. Pikas: What is a seven-letter word for evil?

Lemmy: P-I-K-A-C-H-U.

Mr. Pikas: Ah, I see! I solved the puzzle!

Lemmy: No, I did!

Mr. Pikas: I did!

This goes on for a while… two days really…

Lemmy: No, I did!

Mr. Pikas: I did infinity times five, double kick back no erasiers times two!

Lemmy: Plus that!

Mr. Pikas finally puts the paper down and looks at his bickering partner.

Lemmy: Hi, Mr. Evil, smelly, not nice, bad agent, crime wave boss person, Mr.Pikas.

Lemmy tries to catch his breath.

Mr. Pikas screams and throws his papers in the air and runs around in really small circles screaming.

Lemmy: I’ll stop you evil bad guy before this story ends!

Mr. Pikas stops and then gives an evil grin. Mr. Pikas: I think not!

Lemmy: Ha! You can’t fight me! I’m three feet tall while you’re only two feet tall!

One millionth of a microsecond later…

Lemmy is in a cage.

Lemmy: Darn you! Darn your tricky ways!

Mr. Pikas: What? I asked you to get into the cage and you did.

Lemmy looks to his left to see Wendy, and to his right Mario.

Lemmy: Are you going to think of some clever way of killing us?

Mr. Pikas: No, I think I’ll just shoot you.

Lemmy: Are you at least going to leave the room so that we can escape?

Mr. Pikas: No, I’d like to watch.

Lemmy: Only Toad can save us now!


Toad is 60,000,000 miles away on a beach.

Toad: This is the life…


Morton: That’s it! I’ll use the lock pick in my sunglasses to escape!

Morton grabs it but it turns out to be a toothpick.

Morton: Wah!

Back with Lemmy, Wendy, Mario and the bad, evil, smelly Mr. Pikas…

Guy: Hello, I’m from the Evil Villains, Inc Club. You are ordered by your membership to kill them in a witty way or we’ll revoke your membership and you will no longer be a super villain.

Mr. Pikas: How’d you get in here?!

The guy suddenly fades away.

Mr. Pikas: Creepy… okay…


Mr. Pikas: Okay! When this timer counts down and reaches one it will rattle around in this dish and fall out the side. It will then fall off the table and hit this button next to the table. It will then send a message through this wire, making this laser gun fire. It will then fire into this prism hanging from the wall, and it will split into lots of tiny laser. They will then bounce off the walls that I have placed mirrors in front of. The lasers will then continue to bounce until they hit this light activated gun. It will then fire and the bullet will hit this lever, which will in turn slowly drop you into this pit of boiling acid that you’re hanging above by ropes.

Pikas begins to pant and tries to catch his breath.

Lemmy: My brain hurts! Why can’t you just shoot us?

Mr. Pikas: I wish I could…

Lemmy: Tell us your plan!

Mr. Pikas: All right! All right! My hench-person went and stole this big shiny object that looks like a scepter, smells like scepter, and even tastes like one, but we’re not really sure what it is. We stole three special gemstones that were written about on the scepter in ancient writing.

Lemmy: How can you tell?

Mr. Pikas: It says insert shiny objects here.

Pikas points to the three holes with neon light arrows pointing toward the holes.

Mr. Pikas: Once we insert them into the holes it says that it will give the one who holds it power over the planet! MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Though we’re still trying to figure out where to stick the gems.

Lemmy: So… another world domination plan? Think of something original. Or at least tell who stole the scepter in the first place.

Mr. Pikas: It was Agent Double O Jigglypuff.

Lemmy: You dirty liar! We know it wasn’t her! Besides all the proof that she did, but that is beside the point.

Lemmy begins to note that being hung over a pit of hot boiling acid is a bad thing when Toad bursts through the door.

Toad: Lemmy you @#^%@#^#$^$#@^! I need some cash!

Toad then turns his head to see Pikas staring at him.

Toad: Hello, you #@#^@^&@$&$&# evil rat!

Mr. Pikas: Jigglypuff! Meowth! Shagon! Get your lazy butts down here!

Lemmy: Okay, Toad you’ve given us our daily doom dosage. You can go home now.

Just then, in a blinding puff of black smoke, a man dressed in a hooded wizard out fit appears.

Shagon: I am here master.

Toad: Outta my way lazy person!

Shagon: I shall destroy you, Funny Mushroom Man!

The screen shows a censored sign in front of it.

Toad: That’s it! No (smack) body (smash) calls (quack) me Mush (the sound of rabid goats attacking Shagon) room (the sound of one hand snapping) Man! (sound of a flame gun as it fries Shagon) Now (snap) don’t (crackle) make me (pop) get violent (the sound of Shagon exploding) now!

The screen shows Toad walking away from Shagon, who is in a nice charred black color, twitching.

Shagon: (weakly) Stick a fork in me! I’m done!

Mr. Pikas: No! Shagon! I order you to stop him!

Jigglypuff and Meowth walk in with cafeteria trays in their hands.

Meowth: This better be important. I was about to get some pizza!

Mr. Pikas: Attack this intruder!

Jigglypuff and Meowth pull out these big bats and start smacking Shagon with them.

Mr. Pikas: Fools! What do you think you’re doing?!

Meowth: We’re destroying Shagon. He wasn’t in the story before so he’s intruding.

Mr. Pikas: No, the funny Mushroom Man!

Toad: What?!


The spy gang is playing some Pikaball with Pikas.

Toad: Pass him here!

Lemmy throws Pikas to Toad.

Mr. Pikas: Help! Or at least fire the plot device!

Jigglypuff: Do I get a kiss if I do?

Mr. Pikas: Yes! Just do it!

Jigglypuff pulls out a small remote control and pushes a bright red button. The wall of the castle opens up. Pikas jumps away and pulls three gems from his pocket. He smashes them into the scepter and it starts to glow. Lightning shoots out of it and reflects off of one of mirrors in the room and hits Pikas. It shocks him and his charred body is thrown into Meowth and Jigglypuff.The scepter turns into a pile of gold glitter. Pikas gets up, dizzy. He looks at Lemmy and starts to charge at him. Toad throws Lemmy his bubble gun and Lemmy sprays bubbles in Pikas’s eyes.

Mr. Pikas: Ahhhhh! I’m blinded by soap!

Pikas steps back and his back is against a huge computer.

Mr. Pikas: You fool! You destroyed the scepter! Now I have to resort to my other plan!

Pikas smashes a “do not push” button and steam shoots from everything. Lemmy and the others start to panic. The whole castle falls apart and our heroes hide under a piece of cardboard. Jigglypuff and Meowth are crushed under a big slab of metal. Pikas throws his hands into the air and gives out an evil laugh. All that remains is a giant Robot Panda!

Mr. Pikas: Go! Destory the city! Breat something! Make chaos! MWAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

The Robot starts to tromp on towards the city.

Toad: There is only one thing to do!

Toad throws a rock at it and it blows up. This makes a huge crater on the island.

Lemmy: As for you…

Pikas gulps and starts to back off.

One millionth of a micro second later…

The door of Pikas’s cell slams shut and our heroes leave the hospital for mentally unstable people to go back to HQ.

Morton: So what are you in for?


Meowth and Jigglypuff got away and did some evil things like run for president, become lawyers, or say they like Michael Jackson in public.

Pikas went to jail for a week and then went back to his job of taking over the world.

Shagon went to a fancy hospital and got surgery and ended up looking like a deranged troll doll after he found out it was a plastic surgery.

The FBI found Bowser operating a spy agency and he went to jail for half a week.

Lemmy got fired from his job for not bringing back the gold glitter and got a job at the Koopa Burger. Or at least until Bowser got out of jail.

Same with the other spies, except for Mario, who ordered from the Koopa Burger instead of working there for a half a week.

The museum never got the stuff back.

Morton never got out of jail…

Wendy: This was a waste of time!

Lemmy: Not really. I got these gems! The lightning didn’t destroy them!

Mario: Shouldn’t you return them to the museum?

Lemmy: …nah!

Toad: What’s our next mission, boss?

Bowser: Get me my lunch!

All: On it!

They give a final group pose and rush out the door.

Bowser: Losers…

What you have just read wasn’t real. It was totel fiction! Don’t think it was real ‘cause it ain’t. We did not change any of the names or events ‘cause we don’t like anyone in this story. ‘Cause they look weird and stuff. The insane writer known as Mewd wrote this story. If you have any complaints or think this story is a waste of paper/web space/E-mail, then address all your problems to the tree in your front yard.

Finally it is the end!

It is over.


Stop reading now!

The End

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