Long, long ago, when 2D platform games were plentaful to the point that people wished for its bitter demise, this little gem konami threw at us hit the shelves and did mildly well, no one remembers it now, and seeing as its almost a decade old you all will laugh at how I wanted it. I finnally got the game a few days ago and beat it, and prooveing that my obsessive gameing even stretched back to when if blood was spotted in a game it was deemed to be lucifer encarnet. And any use of a swear word was replaced with something more appropete for the moment. like: "silly", "spoony!", "You're not my best freind!", Etc. Anyway, I deicded the best way to celebrate beating the game, was to openly mock it. Now to some of the actual walk thru.

This is a konami game, as you may have noticed by the logo. This means basically that you can look forward to bizzare enemies, annoying back ground music, and far more boss battles then you really ever willingly would want. Joy. Ahem.

The story, or rather what I know of it since I didn't get a manual with my copy and the game never deems it nessisary to explain the background, is basically that there are two giant kingdoms, ones ruled by the possem-deer-dog-things and the other is ruled by evil pigs. Logically ones good and ones evil, and seeing as the pigs are the animels no body likes they get to be the big evil empire thing. Happy? Anyway you play sparkster, the zany non-talkative goofy hero person, and head rocket knight. He has a rival by the name of Axle who I've dubbed the Dark Rocket Knight. Seeing as he's dark, and evil he deicded to join the pig army for some reason or another, more likely then not becuase he's rebelios or they wouldn't give him free ketchup on his lunch in the rocket-knight break room, leading him to a life of crime, socail abbuse, drug usage, and napkin stealin'. Sounds about right. Sparkster himself really dosen't get any background, he's just a part of a big group of possems who form the Rocket-Knights, Whereas he's the only member. The pigs don't like the possem-deer-dog-things and deicde to invade them. Story set up, time to get to work.

Stage One

You start out in what is apparently a village under attack, to begin, try to push the conrollers D-pad to make Sparkster move. Wow! Amazing! Woohoo, technolgy at work, its even animated, I bet your ammused as I am. After you push the left and right buttons repeatidly you'll notice that Sparkster dosen't have the mind to climb opstacles on his own, Argh, now you have to do the work for him, and you thought technology was on your side. You can spend hours trying to cox the game into doing it for you or you can try a differnt button. NO! Not try new things! argh, why is fate so cruel, why can't everything just stay the same?
Erm, anyway, after you jump over a few land shifts put in the village so people had a excuse to not escape, you'll find that pigs are jumping out everyway! -Ack! You gotta do something, okay, lets see, move left to right, aha, your armor will probbally protect you! instantly as you ram the pig beast you discover that that had no effect on him, instead he begins hopping up and down gleefully that he hurt you leaveing him completely open to attack. You'll also note that half of a heart from a strange meter has vanished from the top of the screen, apparently a possem has 8 hearts in its body used to controll its blood when it hangs from its tail, therefore it won't get dizzy, but they explode when shocked or scared! Crud, now you know nothing can survive without a heart, you're going to have to do something so you don't lose anymore. Walk into him again? Drat, dosen't work, maybe one of these other strange and mystical buttons will reveal the ansewer. Upon pushing A you'll note that you just slashed your sword and a wind thingy came out, it hits the pig and in a ghost-n-goblins escue scene they plop out of their armor into their underwear. They'll panic and run away, great, now you know how to beat them! Anyway, you'll encounter more and you'll easily slice threw them all or try to ram them again in hopes of your armor killing them. Walk a bit and you'll note a odd rumble in the background music, turning you see a cars heading straight at you! 4 minutes into the game and you're going to end up as road kill, darn the luck. Draw your sword and slash at it a few times, the car will explode and the pigs will fall threw the ground, wow, if I knew a sword could generate air things strong enough to destroy a auto-mobile I'd of gone to a car dealership instead of saveing a small village. Walking further you'll note another cars comeing, theres a tree in the background which when you try to jump over you note you attatch yourself to its limbs, nuts, your stuck to a tree and a cars comeing, this games rather cruel ain't it? Slashing at it from the tree you realize you can detatch yourself and reattach yourself to the tree by your own will, cool, this is the gimmick of haveing a possem as a main character, now you'll cry in glee once you realize you can do this as much as you want wasteing valuble productive time. Anyway, you'll encounter more enemies, blah, blah blah, you'll note theres a large wall in your way now, to big to scale by jumping you panic. Holding down the attack button a gauge fills quickly and once you release it you spin out, this is the secondary gimmick of the game as haveing a rocket attatched to your back wasn't apparently used to attract chicks. Anyway holding the dirrection you fly that way for a few seconds, Wheee, fun gimmick. Now that you've scaled the wall you come accross a buncha giant robots in the background with bigs on the top of them, they pop out and attack! Now you have to proove you have the motor skills of a five year old to beat these things! Crud! Do you have them?! -ack, think, think, think. Yes jump, ram it with armor, NO! I mean attack. Yeah, attack. One hits not enough? Ah! Run away! Won't let me go further? Attack again! boom. robots are gone. Yay. You're specail even if you didn't manage to kill these laughably easy robots. You come accross a and shift with a lower and higher path, pigs begin jumping on screen balloons in hand, apparently their mad balloon venders, time to slaugher them! Killing them off you make it threw some more simmiler areas till you make it to some place differnt, large trees are in the back ground again, jumping on one you realize you can jump from each to another and get higher! Yay, now you can get nausish by your fear of heights. You can skip most of the climb by rocket flying up there, you'll run into a few apples placed on the trees, grabbing them apprently restores the broken hearts of Sparkster, they must work like some twisted medical herb, as I was sure possems lived on bugs and berries as their food supply. Okay, time to get on with it. Jumping to the next ledge some pigs in red armor appear, these really aren't any differnt then the other pigs except they don't jump for joy when they manage to hurt you and spend the rest of the game jumping til they are slaughtered. Slay them in turn and come to a bridge with a waterfall in the background, a big tank will come out and rely on this small bridge to hold you and it up. Its stradgey to defeat you is simply, Lob explosive water balloons at you, move back and forth and then shoot fire, repeat. A worthy note about boss battles such as this, attacking very closely dose twice as much damage as from a distance, this makes said battles much quicker. Avoid the balloons, avoid the fire, attack, blah blah, once you manage to hurt it a few times (this took me hours), the bridge deicdes to give way and you both fall to your doom, yay. The tank will spin around as you plummet and you have complete control dispite falling at 30 miles per hour, attack the tank a few times, it explodes, and then you reach the bottom. Apparently you've reached the ocean, the water falls gone, and your on a small island with a odd can of shineing fludid. Obviosly poisoness you approch it luled by its flashing light. Once you touch it you're rocket gauge fills up and stays filled and you fly accross the water. Wheeee... You'll encounter some robots with pig balloons stuck to their back, the balloon venders have sent minions to stop you! Slay them! If you fail to do so they just shot a few beams at you then leave you alone, very passive evil robot minions. Anyway after that you start hearing splashing noises as a large sea serpent approches you! Nuts, lets ram it with our suit and push it away! -Ack, lost some health! Darn you curse-ed fate! anyway, the robot will rebound once it reaches the end of the screen, and jump out of the water, hit it with your sword and stuff. It will flash and fall into the ocean and do it again. Repeat till it blows up. Once you do you run out of ocean at the same time, and crash into a big stone wall.

Musta been a moat, a very large one. You're in the good guys' castle now, you know becuase there are alot of dog-possem-deer-things runing around panicing. You can't kill them though, no matter how much you want to. They seem to be panicing from the fact their home is on fire, guess crashing must of set the whole thing ablaze, oops. Walk a little bit, jumping over flameing stone slabs, and you'll encounter some pigs with their hinds on fire, seeing as their evil kill them while their vulnrable, but in fact this is a evil tactic of theres, settings their own rears on fire cuases them to run faster, you have to improve your motor skills to hit them. You'll come to a dead end, but really its not, if you fly into a wall at the right angle you'll bounce off and head upwards, I bet you feel so stupid for needing to be told this. My goals completed. Anyway, you'll encounter more of the same, you'll note theirs a giant robot stareing at you from the window, it apparently wants to come inside, ignore it for now, you never did like whining robots. Now that your into the room you'll see that flames are spreading behind you, they'll form and shoot at you randomly and try to hurt you, you'll have to navigate this crudly constructed hall, I guess it was constructed fora athetletic team becuase I don't think its normal for flooring to jut up and down in awkward posstions. Theres no real trick to avoiding the flames, they'll pile up in one spot and then shoot foward, don't be in that spot. No matter how tempted you find it. You'll come accross a big present now, it explodes and a happy big jumps out and surrprizes you, now that he's caught you by surrprize he starts his evil tactic of attack. Jumping up and down in place, how evil. Attack him. Great, now you have to walk more, this is supposed to be fun yet you excersise your fingers constantly, whata waste of time. Anyway you'll walk more, and encounter more dead ends that you need to bounce upward with, grab the 1-up at the top of one of these. After this you'll come to a room with no exit. The roof with explode and that snake robot you saw earlier comes crashinf down, don't ram it, this strdegies not working. It will come up then do it again with other cortners of the room, attack its head when it pops out. After a few attacks it begins vomiting spiked bugs that walk around the room, jump over them and attack the red one to destroy the rest, I guess without a red bug the others were so unhappy by all being the same color that they commit suicide. Anyway, it sticks its tails threw one of the holes now to try and hit you, continue to attack its head till it blows up. The castles decorater is going to have a fit.

-Ack, I'm getting ghost n goblins flash backs
Don't ask why there are floating cyrstal things floating for no reason

Thanks to the people I blatently stole images from, please don't sue me.
Classic gameing's reveiw of rocket knight.
Video game museum.