Advice colum
Welcome to another advice colum for another website, as this hasn't been seen on every OTHER website one the internet. Anyway I'm here to answer all your questions, and give advice to all those who don't really need it, while mocking you senselessly! Fun, fun! Erm, anyway, if you have a proplem and are desperarate to ask a complete stranger whos more or less likely to give you a complete inacurate response, or want an answer to a random question such as why nintendo dosen't require goomba's to wear pants... I'm your guy! E-mail me and then be filled with a feeling of emptiness for such a regretable thing


2:00PM 1/20/2001, from TMS

TMS: Hey! Wait! I got questions!

TMS runs after Mewd and traps him in a net.

TMS: *ahem* first off... Why are Zonians so short? Do their parents put bricks on their heads when they're little?
Mewd: I fail to see why they shouldn't. So I guess so.

TMS: Why are Mega Mewds red and Mewds blue?
Mewd: To signify differnt fruit flavors.

TMS: TMS: Why are Mewds called Mewds in the first place? Shouldn't they be called 'Zonians'?
Mewd: With that logic; Why do earthlings call themselves humans?

TMS: Are starians related to Mewds?
Mewd: Possibly, there may be some third half coisins step neices aunts uncles grandfathers mail mans dentists sister who married one.

TMS: Why are you so furry? I've seen cats without fur before so why are Mewds furry?
Mewd: Otherwise it'd be a bit drafty. And on an artic planet thats not at all pleasant.

TMS: Why did you stop working on Fantasy? YOU EVIL PERSON!
Mewd: Because the story had no depth or dirrection, it was over all very poor in quality and it was just a rip off of every other RPG plot that I'd ever seen. I deicded that it wasn't worth continuing since I had no plans on HOW to continue it that were worth while. I think I did all of humanity a favor by discontinueing it.

TMS: If Golden Road is a road does he like Rocky Road ice cream?
Mewd: I had to investigate this matter myself.

Mewd6: So if you're a road, do you like rocky road icecream?
Golden Road15: No... I hate nuts.
Golden Road15: And I also love that Pirate song :-D

Mewd: As you can see, he obviosly loves it.

TMS: If 'She's Got Issues' like the song title says, why doesn't the guy singing it just dump her?
Mewd: Then what would he have to sing about? "Gee! I had a wonderful day today, And I'm happy" Songs thrive on depressed emoutions, taking them away makes it harder to work.

TMS: How much do you have to pay the man?
Mewd: 53 yen, 2.45 british pounds, and 67.35 dollars, canadian.

TMS: For that matter, why do we have to pay so much for pop?
Mewd: Because then we wouldn't be able to complain about the price. Its someones desperate attempt to try and give people a conversational topic.

TMS: Why does Jon have the uncanny ability to pop up as soon as I start drawing in Paint?
Mewd: He's actually a mythological creature, named the 'grumpy grandpa' Which thrive in magical wood lands where they romp and play and complain about the old days while feeling paranoid over the concept of being satisfied with anything. They have magical powers that are... ..magical... and sense such things.

TMS: Why do I suck so much at Starcraft?
Mewd: you aren't to bad, but you ususally run out of resources to fast before you have a chance to build up a good army.

TMS: Why don't I have a life?
Mewd: They keep it in a jar at the hospital in the celler in case they ever need it.

TMS: Why am I even asking you all this?
Mewd: Boredom? Paranoia? Anxeity? Suicidal urges suggested by napkin rings?

TMS: Aaaaaaaaaaaagh... Overwhelming... Knowledge... Must... RUN!!!

TMS runs off.

3:00AM, 9/19/2001, from GoldenRoad

Mewd, there's a cute girl I see every Tuesday and Thursday on my way to Calculus...
should I try talking to her?

Mewd: Yes, but first, wear something festive, or nothing at all
Mewd: either way you'll attract attention
Mewd: When approching her, make sure to be holding a lead pipe, this signifies that you like her.
Mewd: Lumber forward in agressive manner like you're going to pyschically beat her
Golden Road: *takes notes*
Mewd: If she runs away grab onto a anklet and hang on for as long as you can.
Mewd: She'll tire eventually and ask in a flustraited manner what you're doing, and you can start a conversation from that quite easily,
Golden Road: You sound like an expert on this.
Mewd: Be sure to include all sorts of little details of information in your dialog, including annoying habbits of yours, constantly pick your nose during the conversation.
Golden Road: And this makes pie? Wow...
Mewd: Now, you need to tell me your intentions for talking to her, do you want a date, a freind, or just wanted to kidnap her?
Golden Road: date, preferably
Mewd: Okay then, you need to impress her, you can do this by flexing and dancing festivly while screaming forigen swear words.
Golden Road: Foreign swear words... *looks to DinoGirl*
Mewd: This should allure her, your matting dance should either apease or revoult her.
Mewd: Depending on how well you do,
Mewd: If she dosen't run away, congratz! Shes a keeper, now grunt alot and sniff at her
Golden Road: OK!
Mewd: Grunt the word 'date' and if she nods, sweep her off her feet and jump from car to car to a resturant,
Mewd: If she declines, continue the dance untill she agrees, or calls the authorities.
Golden Road: Got it!
Mewd: This is why you need the lead pipe, you see, the police will try to take you in, but you can ward them off with the pipe by handing it to them innocently then laying on the ground in submissive manner to allow them to handcuff you.
Mewd: They'll be so confused that they WON'T arrest you.
Mewd: If they do, then you atleast get free jail food


3:00AM, 9/19/2001, from DinoGirl

Oh oh, why do I LOL so much? Or may I say, laugh so much? LOL!

Mewd: Alright! My first question in a month and I get a question of THIS calibur! Woo! The wait was worth it, eh reader? Anyway... You laugh so much Bbecause its a serrios medical condition. You should call a hospital, and laugh hysterically at the person on the other end for several minutes. Or untill they hang up.

3:00AM 9/19/2001, From Golden Road

Is there an easy way to eliminate the seeds from a watermelon?

Mewd: No, theres only five hard methods.


10:19PM 8/1/2001, from rvonhe1

Dear Mewd,

Whenever I look into a pool of water, I see a person in the water, looking at me. But that's not the question. The question is, if he moves away, do I dissapear from reality forever?

Mewd: No, actually they disappear from existence forever while you remain intact. Not only that, but you mindlessly slaughter these people by looking and looking away from glass and water every day! You create and destroy them without carring, YOU SHAMLESS CRETEN! I'm calling green peace, and after they beat me into a fine meat pulp for forgetting the feed the fish they'll arrest you.

11:23PM 7/30/2001, From Rachelle

Mewd, I have a question for you. Beware, lest the sheer deepness of it cause you to unexplicably throw yourself to the ground in beweilderment. Ahem. Why... is the sky blue? I heard somewhere that it was reflecting the water's color, but then how is the water blue? Maybe the water is reflecting the color of the sky, but this only leads me back to my original question. Help!


Mewd: Silly person like sentinate sentinate being thing, the skies blue becuase of magic, magic BEYOND YOUR MORTAL COMPREHENSION. To explain would require monthes of preperation and finger puppets and would be so complicated and contrived that its better left undelt with. It involves scotch tape to say the least.

12:30PM 7/18/2001, From Richard

Dear Mewd,

I recently stepped on a sharp and pointy object. I managed to remove
the object from my foot and throw it somewhere, but now my foot hurts.
What should I do?


Mewd: Wow, my first request for advice in over a month! I'm sorry to hear of such a horror amoung tragdies, I'm afraid you only have two options to settle this lingering pain. You see you're now possesed the a DEMON, of PAIN within the shard of danger you've laden your foot to. You can either wear a full body suit of leaches in hopes that the demon enjoys being devoured by large black parasites, or you could be burned at the stake, which is more fun? Lets find out!

5:00PM, 5/15/2001, from Sandslash

Mewd: Becuase SS allowed me to post this, I have to block out any mention of the girls name. Here's my pathetic attempt to help one of my best freinds with girl trouble. Perhaps he would of been better off without my advice. Well, atleast this is the first person to want REAL advice from me. Im trying to tie in it all together. Well I thought of some solutions to my problem.. Tell me what you think of each one individually. I need a quick response cause time is really running out for some of these. Dont forget, I wanna hear ur opinion of EACH one!



1. Back off forever

Mewd: I really doubt this would be wise, mainly becuase you too have become freinds and to merely stay away from here may hurt her feelings, she may feel that if she dosen't want to be your girlfreind then you want nothing to do with her if you took this course. Of course it would hurt to remain freinds with her anyway, but it may be the lesser of two evils. Even if she dosen't wanna be your girlfreind you'll atleast have a freind. Which is atleast a second place prize. Don't you think?

2. Spend summer going nuts working out and getting a freggin tan to see if I can wow her next year

Mewd: If TV has taught me anything is that trying to woo females with pysical appearance is dumber then hitting them with sticks to get their attention. I really doubt she would go for you for that mere reason, or atleast thats how I think she'd react, its not like I know her all that well.

3. Hang out a lot over the summer with her, get some ‘alone’ time

Mewd: As long as you're not being subtle with a double meaning this is probbally a good option. You need to become closer freinds before she can consider dating you. She dosen't want to rush into a first relationship out of the blue. So spend as much time as you can manage becoming closer freinds with her. But even if she becomes to afraid to date in fear of losing you as a freind. You'll still have her as a freind. You could even try and make a agreement that you'll both be good freinds even if the relationship dosen't work out. (Unless you cheat on her, in which case you're doomed to a hailstorm of fire)

4. Tell her how I feel. Like everything.

Mewd: You may want to wait a while before trying this. But as I've told you, telling her how you feel exactly could very well give her a better understanding of you, strengthening your freindship even. You worry that she may feel uncomfortable about it, but unless you open up to her you can't expect her to open up to you.

5. Give her like a rose (or two) on the final days of school as a summer ‘parting’ gift. Probably with a note with some stuff in it like ‘thanks for’ etc. etc.

Mewd: I'm not completly sure, it may be considered sweet but you should open up to her before hand, or else it will seem awkward.

6. Run away from home

Mewd: There aren't any circus' in town Kevin. But really you shouldn't run away from your life no matter how painful it gets. Do you think going away from all of the people who care about you will make life less painful? No. Life is a lesson, I beileive personally that we are all here on earth to learn and grow. God allows bad things to happen to people so that they learn from it, everything teaches you something no matter how painful or enjoyable it is. Pain matures people, you just have to endure it. Continue living. Running away from everything will only bring more pain to you. You'd regret it, leaving all your freinds, and family behind, just becuase you didn't want to stand the pain of a world where you thought you couldn't get a girl, you want to have a relationship so badly that you probbally feel you can't live without one. But you already have freinds who care about you, they may not be as close as you want. But even if (girl's name) isn't the one, there are plenty more fish in the sea. And God tries to bring those who have faith in themselves, in him, and in life, to the ones they are destined to be with. You may disagree, but thats what I think.

7. Find other people

Mewd: I'm sure you could do this, but you shouldn't give up on (girl's name) so easily. Just continue to bond as freinds with each other, and if it dosen't work out you can always seek out another, just keep trying. Don't give up. Its only truely hopeless, when you don't have any hope yourself.

8. Put all my feelings into a song and give it to her

Mewd: Opening up to her would be the better idea, Perhaps you could compose a song and post it on your webpage, along with all your thoughts and feelings. How it played out, and everything.

>9. Put em in a webcam video. Those things got tons of megs on them though.

I personally don't think a webcam video would be anywhere near effective as giving her a letter, or putting it on your webpage in text. It would take less time to download, and would be more emotional. You're to shy to tell her in real life, and besides, those webcams make all the sound to blurry to hear.

10. Make a trumpet song (duet, trio, blah) expressing how I feel and play it to her sometime.

Mewd: In midi format or in real life? You could probbally play it for her in person but it'd be rather awkward unless she's already read you're 'poem' or if you've been hanging out in real life long enough. If its in MIDI format, see my answer to number eight.

11. Leave her alone till next year.

Mewd: NO. Besides the fact that she may get the feeling sof abandoned meant from the afor mentioned feelings of; 'be my girlfreind or I won't be your freind', Coming back to her after that would still be awkward. Don't you think she may have found someone else if you leave her be? Maybe not, but someone is liable to stick with her if you give up. Become her freind now, and hang out together. Isn't enduring shiness worth being with her? Leaving her alone isn't going to make her want to be with you any more, she may fear that dating you now would mean losing you as a freind, but you proof the point if you abandoned all hope just becuase she won't date you right now. Stick with her, and become better freinds.
I might do more than one or none at all, just tell me whatcha think.

Mewd: There... Oh, By the way. I feel oddly compelled to post this in my advice colum, don't worry. I won't. Unless you tell me its okay, but you probbally would rather want to keep this personal. I hope I was atleast a little help. (highly doubtful). Just have faith and hope and continue stride. I hope I was atleast half as helpful as DG in her abscene.


5:33PM, 4/29/2001, from Alison
question:give me a sec i forgot what it was.oh yeah gow do you find out how to work all the buttons on the controlers for video games and y?

Mewd: Unlocking the deep and horribly ill placed mysteries of the video game system controller is impossible for anyone without a degree in eltronics to understand, however I suggest you hire a team of top notch researchers in spiffy white lab coats to take a agonizingly long time to devise a complete understanding of how it works, then have them explain it to you in a mature and slow tone. Fallowed by a scolding if you weren't paying attention, theres a quiz ya know.

3:30PM, 4/10/2001, from Vivi

Not sent by E-mail.
Ummm... Yeah! You like earthbound a lot don't you? Yeah well... do you have any idea how old Ness, Paula, Jeff and Poo in Snes-Earthbound are? I know that Jeff is a student at the University in Winters, but that doesn't really mean anything, does it? Ness is always reffered to as "kid" by adults, though... hmmm...

*hits pokey with a stick* Die, you! Traitor!

Mewd: As you might've guessed all the children in the game are about the age of toddlers, fully able to speak and render the english laungage without henderment, and don't give me that guff about them just being Super deformed anime style sprites like almost every other RPG on the SNES. Seeing as the world is in so much danger by evil taxis, demonic speed limit signs, and ants made of metal, most of these kids are killed by the time they reach 20. As a end result we have a planet populated by little kids.
Here are the ages exactly.
Ness: 3
Paula: 4
Poo: 20
Jeff: 7
Poo's the oldest as he's going bald!


3:30PM, 3/31/2001, from Yuffie
Name: Yuffie Kisaragi
Problem: a nine foot dragon with a bad temper keeps hiding in my yard and trying to sneak peeks of me getting undressed!
Question: What do I do when everything ,even All Creation, won't work?
Compensation: (Yuffie looks around, finds a keg of ale left behind after Cloud,Cid and Reno had a drinking competion at her place) Hmm Gods of Wisdom like ale,right?

Mewd: Dispite the fact that I utterly dispise Yuffie, I shall help. But first I must obviosly dawn the alter ego of Odin, As this question came for the god of wisdom. He only milds hates yuffie anyway. Rememeber, its obvios that if your website dosen't get many hits then atleast you can expect your old ones to.

Odin: Okay, there. Now I shall help you young one, probbally in confuseing riddles and nonunderstandable plays on words. First off I'd suggest that you don't get dressed in your back yard, instead you could use your training room/basement/break stuff area, The monster would have a harder time peeping at you if you had a dense wall in the way.... Maybe... I don't know. It may have the inexpilictable ability to wear 3D glasses to ruin this crusade. Another option would to bait a trap for it, for example I'd suggest a large, cardboard box, that will drop on its head when it tries to grab a naughty magazine or something. haveing a box on its head will obviosly mean complte defeat to it and will commit suicide or have mental issues its entire life over it. Or you could just crash the highwind into it if you could bare to ride on it for eight seconds. No compensation needed, as a norse god of wisdom I know ale is bad for me...Also its not very sugary... hope that helps! Odin signing off till some other ignorant person needs aid.

Mewd: Well said Odin, now go away!

6:00 PM, 3/6/2001, from Jon.

why can butterflies see a color we can't?

Mewd: Actully we could, however it'd require we'd squint and stare at the sun while drinking our wheight in necter, every hour, on the hour. if you don't see the new color eventually, or have gone blind, this will be fixed in the next patch

4:15PM, 3/8/2001, from Jon

Why is it when you're allowed to laugh freely you don't laugh as much, but when it's unappropriate to laugh (like during a class) you laugh twice as much (even if it's a giggle from holding in a laugh)?

Mewd: It involves a series of ropes and pullies inside your brain, Theres a tiny monkey there that operates your desire to do something, and becuase he's a monkey he lacks to motor skills to do his job correctly. He purposely dose this to you to get you in trouble so he can go on a break.


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