Episode One: Loony Legal Loopholes

[Exterior Day; Mushroom Way]

The camera starts off with a wide shot and then closes in on Mario and Luigi

Mario: So, you’re saying that our show’s title could be revoked for legal reasons?

Luigi: Of course.  Truth be known, there was a similar show called the Super Mario Bro. Super Show.  The absence of the word “duper” is no matter of significance.  We’re doomed!

Mario: (thinking)  Well, I guess we’ll have to come up with a new title instead of the Mario Bro.’s.

Luigi: (raises a finger to the air) To the registration offices!

[Interior, Day; Koopa Castle]

Bowser sits on his throne, repeatedly hitting Kamek with a paddle ball.  Kamek sits gloomily with his chin in his hands, cupped together

Bowser: So, Kamek, how much exactly are we getting paid for this new gig.  Could it be enough to spell certain doom for the Mario Bro…oops.  Er…we can’t say that can we?

Kamek: (shakes head)  No, I’m afraid Nintendo has made it so the two plumber brothers cannot use their own names.  Referring to their real names would be a breach of contract.  Instead, we they have to find new names.

Bowser:  (a cheesy lightbulb graphic appears overhead) I’ve got it!  While their out trying to register new names, we can buy out their own names, therefore becoming, in essence, the Mario Bro.’s…all rights reserved and registered.

Kamek:  Awww….that means we’ll have to go to Nintendo Headquaters…

[Interior, Day; Registration Office]

Mario and Luigi sit in two small chairs as a mushroomer peers at them from over his glasses.

Mushroomer:  So, you wish to register new names.  Why not use your own?

Luigi:  We can’t.  For some odd reason, our names have already been registered by Nintendo.  Therefore, any true self-expressions based on our actual lives would be illegal and punishable by some sort of odd death.

Mario:  I would like to eat a cookie before I die, a special cookie that tastes sweet.

Mushroomer:  (stares blankly)  Uh-huh.  So, you want me to see what other names you can use since you are now starring in your own show…again.

Luigi:  We never actually starred in the first one.  Like I said, Nintendo registered our names and hired fake actors to voice our animation look-alikes. 

Mario:  I would hug my cookie and take care of it.  We would go for walks, and I would read it bedtime stories.

Mushroomer:  Ok, let’s see.  (looks through some files)  How about, Washington Cleaners Inc?

Luigi:  No, we’re not very good at cleaning.

Mario:  We might become something even more special than friends.  We could get married on a hilltop by some Elvis wannabe.

Mushroomer:  But your plumbers.

Luigi:  No, that’s simply another term applied to us by Nintendo.  Since they pretty much own our souls, they can do anything they want.

Mario:  Then it would lie to me.  We’d get in fights over financial problems.  It’d get fat, unattractive.  I just can’t live this life anymore!  We were so young and naïve!  Don’t let one mistake ruin my existence.  I hate you!

Mushroomer:  Ok, what about…Johansen Medical Plaza?  Yogurt Mania?  Oh, here’s one…Kenny’s Foot Palace.

Luigi:  Do you have anything that sounds more heroic?  We can’t go around saying, “Look out Bowser.  We’re the Johansen Medical Plaza Bro.’s!”

Mario:  Then one day, after finally finding myself, I’d realize you are the one I want, sugar pie!  Your cookieness is all I need.  Take me as I am!  Forgive me!

Mushroomer:  It depends on what inflection you use.  You could say it with a vengence.  Come one, give it a try.

Luigi:  How in the world could you…nevermind.  Come on Mario, we’re leaving.

Mario:  No, I’m my own man now.  The cookie and me are lovers.  GO AWAY!

Luigi:  (hits Mario)  NOW!

[Exterior, Day; Nintendo HQ]

Bowser and Kamek, disguised as Captain Picard and Spock, respectively, walk up to the HQ guard booth.

Bowser: Spock, it seems that we have come to Nintendo HQ.  (turns to guard)  Good sir, please let us, as envoys from the Galactic Trade Federation, meet with your registration offices.

Kamek: Captain, it seems that his human is an intelligent one.  He will let us through.

Guard:  I thought Picard was in the New Generation series.  How did you get in the same time period?

Bowser:  (stammering) Er…haven’t you seen Star Trek: Generations?

Guard:  Oh, yeah.  Um, proceed.

Bowser:  Spock, prepare for entering the HQ, quadrant 4 o niner.  Engage!  (moves hand down)

Kamek:  (sighs)

[Interior, Day; Nintendo HQ Registration Office]

Bowser and Kamek, still in disguise, sit in front of a Japanese person.

Guy:  So, you want to buy name, yes?

Kamek:  Captain, I believe this human knows our want.  Perhaps we should tell him of it…the want…the…thingie…um…now.

Bowser:  What?  …  Oh, yes!  The want!  We would like to buy the registered name, Mario Bro.’s.

Guy:  That not possible.  We own it and make money off of it.  Shigeru is very nice man, very nice.

Kamek:  But why not call them the Nintendo Bro.’s instead?

Guy:  Oh, we would very much like that, but somebody already has that name registered.  See?  (hands address)

Suddenly, Mario comes in again and takes the address!

Mario:  Haha!  Foiled again, Fungah Breath.

Bowser:  Spock, what was that creature?

[Interior, Day; Nintendo Bro.’s Bakery]

Luigi walks up to the counter, addressing the baker.  Mario nibbles greedily on a chocolate chip cookie.

Luigi:  So you see, since your name is Bob, you could sell Nintendo Bro.’s back to Nintendo and name your bakery Bob’s bakery.

Mario:  I am the cookie master.  All the cookie’s come to me!  They’ll do anything I tell them.

Baker:  Oh!  How I would love for that to be my bakery’s name!  Sadly, someone else already owns the name Bob.  I can’t use it.

Luigi:  Where are they?

Mario:  Tear it, tear it, tear it…TEAR IT UP!

Bakery:  Here’s the address.

[Bob’s Pizza In A Cup Eporium]

Luigi:  (sees a woman at the counter)  What’s your name?

Woman:  Mary, this is my shop.

Luigi:  Why don’t you just call it Mary’s shop?  I know someone else that wants the name Bob.

Mario:  If I tie enough cookies to my arm, maybe I can fly.  We’ll fly so high…in the sky.

Woman:  Oh, I would, but someone already has the name Mary.

Luigi:  Errrgghhh….

Mario:  Cookie + Cheese = Heaven

[Interior, Day; Jimmy’s Metal Shop]

A crowd of people stand behind Luigi and Mario.  Luigi desperately talks with the owner of the shop.

Luigi:  So you see, we want the name Mario, but Nintendo already has it.  Nintendo wants the name Nintendo Bro.’s, but Bob already has it for his bakery shop.  Mary has the name Bob, though, for her pizza shop…

Mary:  Pizza in a cup…

Luigi:  (groans)  Right, pizza in a cup.  Mary wants the name Mary, but Mary’s Kapazzo shop was already using it.  The owner, Dill, did want the name Dill, but Dill’s Mushroom Growth Attorney already had it.  The owner of Dill’s Attorney (gosh) ‘s name was Jimmy, but you see, you already have the name Jimmy, so he can’t use it!  Now, all you have to do is change your name from Jimmy’s Metal Shop to something else, and then everyone will be happy.

Owner:  But I don’t want to change my shop’s name.

Luigi:  (slams fists on counter)  And why is that???!!!

Owner:  Because my name’s Jimmy.

Luigi:  AGGGHHH!!!!!!!

[Exterior, Day; Mushroom Way]

Bowser has Peach in his grasps.

Peach:  Someone!  Help me!  HAAAALLLLPPP!

Bowser:  Spock, why does she scream so?

Kamek:  (asleep)

Luigi rushes in

Peach:  yay, where’s Mario?

Luigi:  He went to live in seclusion with a bag of cookies.

Bowser:  (gasps)  Tell me, the great Captain Kirk, who you are.

Luigi:  I am Luigi, member of the (winces) Johansen Medical Plaza Bro.s, and I’m here to save the princess.

Peach:  Not with a name like that your not.  (hits Luigi with a purse as he tries to rescue her)

Luigi: (watches them go off)  I hate this show.

The End

           The Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show

(Roof View over Throne Room; camera spirals down to close up on Bowser, who is dancing with Kamek…very badly)

Bowser:  Lighten your feet up.  Come on, show spirit!

Kamek:  Sir, my poor toes have been crunched, smushed, and furthermore, injured.  Please let them rest!

Bowser:  I highly doubt that “smushed” is a word.  If you’re going to complain, you could at least do so in a grammatically pleasing way.  Now, go on.  One, two, three, step!

(Suddenly, a bullet bill rams through, flinging Kamek into the next room, through a stone wall.  The bullet bill stops abruptly)

Bullet Bill: (looks at Kamek shaped hole in the wall) Now that’s a bit of bad luck there.  (turns to Bowser)  Anyway, I’ve come with news from the 3^rd Paratroopa squadron.

Bowser:  I didn’t know we even had three of those.

BB: We actually only have one.  You called it the third one to make it look like you had more.

Bowser: (shifting eyes)  Of course I did!  I was just testing you.  And if I must say so, you’re response was 1.003 seconds late.  Bad form!

BB:  (whimpers)  Sorry, sir.  Oh!  I almost forgot.  We got a little message from the Princess Peach.

Bowser: (picking nose)  Who now?

BB:  The girl.

Bowser:  Oh, yeah, the fruit lady.  Go on.

BB:  Today’s National Paperclip Day.  They asked us not to attack on a holiday.  But I suggest we go ahead and attack.  This would be the perfect oppur-

Bowser:  No!  We can’t interrupt on a holiday.  Our plan is ruined!  Oh, well, find all the paperclips you can.  Chop-chop.  Where’s your holiday spirit?

Kamek:  (comes back in, charred)  Sir, I just had a wonderful idea!

Bowser: (whispering to Bullet Bill)  Ram him on the way out.

BB:  My pleasure, sir.

[Interior; Mushroom Royal Castle]

(Paper clips are hung everywhere, along with hats, drinks, the works)

Mario:  Oh, princess, I just love Paperclip Day!

Peach: (blows a kazoo; paperclip confetti goes everywhere)  Yes, me too!  You have to remember, though, it’s National Paper Clip Day.  Just about everyone cele-  Luigi, why aren’t you partying like dere ain’t no tomorrow like the rest of us?  I used my wide influence to get back the Mario name.

Luigi:  Yes, and I’m thankful for that, but come on.  A holiday about Paperclips?  I think we have too many holidays all together.  We have more holidays than days.  We’re either preparing for a holiday, living through the heck of a holiday, or getting over the effects of a holiday.  I hate holidays!  Holidays, holidays, holidays!

Mario:  (blinks)  Oh, cheer up!  Washrag Day is only a few days away.

Luigi: (groans)

[Interior; Koopa Kastle]

Bowser:  So you’re saying we should create a Bowser Day holiday? 

Kamek:  (nods)  Yes, and erase all the others.  We’ll be able to rule the Mushroom Kingdom!

Bowser:  How do you go about doing all of this holiday business?

Kamek:  We make a little visit to the Mushroom Kingdom Parliament.  Off we go!

[Interior; Mushroom Kingdom Capitol]

Kamek: (speaking to all the delegates)  So, I say we institute a new Bowser Day holiday.

Delegate 1: But what about all the other time-wasting stuff?  We can’t just get rid of the other holidays.  People will miss buying cheap presents for people they don’t care about, blowing themselves up with fireworks, throwing barbecues with people they don’t like, professing divine devotion to Kumquat, Lord of the Inferno…um….

Kamek:  Uh, well, I…

Delegate 2:  I move for an amendment.  Why don’t we combine all the other aspects of holidays with Bowser Day to make for one big holiday!  Kamek?

Kamek:  Hmm.  That would mean an annoying, super chaotic day of terror and misery for everyone once a year.  (smiles)  I like it!  Just remember, on Bowser Day, Bowser can take over what every city he wants to.  I now move a motion that we vote on a Bowser Day holiday.  Those in favor, say “I”

Delegates:  Eye!

Kamek:  Close enough.

[Interior; top Mushroom Kingdom late night news program]

(Favorite journalist Barbara Liberalpants sits in a chair adjacent from one Kamek is sitting in)

Barbara:  Tonight, we talk with Kamek, the magikoopa who dispelled all holidays and combined them with one super holiday, Bowser Day.  Now Kamek, why did you feel the need to change the holidays?

Kamek:  Frankly, we have too many holidays.  I figured we could combine them all into one for easier, more combined…holiday…stuff.

Barbara:  I see.  Doesn’t that make things more hectic?

Kamek:  What’s wrong?  Don’t you have holiday spirit?

Barbara:  Of course I do.  The holidays are great!

Kamek:  Nuh-uh.  THE holiday.  Bowser Day holiday.

(A group of protesters and a fiery shy guy crash through the set)

Shy Guy:  I am Kumquat, Lord of the Inferno.  We have come to burn your impure day of death!  Attack!

(The horde rushes forward, carrying of Ms. Liberalpants, screaming.  Kamek sits in his chair, a mess around him.)

Kamek:  (turns to camera)  Things are always tense around the Bowser Day holiday.

[Exterior; Mushroom Way Highway]

(thousands of citizens line the sidewalks, blocked off, as several Bowser-themed balloons pass by, followed by similar floats)

Announcer 1: Chet, it looks like another lovely Bowser Day holiday parade to me.  I can’t wait to see Bowser arrive on his float!

Chet:  That’s right, Amy.  Hey, want to know an interesting fact?  Those balloons are filled with strawberry jam!

Amy:  Why, I thought they were filled with helium!

Chet:  You dumb slut.

Both:  (laughing hysterically)

(On the prodigious main float near the back, Bowser sits on a throne, Kamek near the front beating a drum while several koopas row oars, making the float move)

Kamek:  (beating drum faster)  Look lively!  I want the audience to see Bowser with his hair flowing like on those Herbal Essence commercials.

Bowser:  What a lovely holiday.

Chet:  Look, there they come!  I must say, Bowser sure does look spiffy with the wind blowing through his hair like that.  I wonder if he’s single.

Amy:  Chet, you fool, that’s my line!

Chet:  Oh, yeah!  (laughs)

(A cheerleading float breaks down in front of the Bowser Float)

Chet:  Uh-oh; that’s a bit of bad luck there.

Bowser:  Well, I guess we have to stop.

Kamek:  No, full speed ahead!  HAHAHAHAHA!

Cheerleaders:  (screaming in terror)

(The Bowser float runs over the cheerleading float and mass explosions follow)

Amy:  And that concludes another wonderful Bowser Day holiday parade!  Let’s watch the ensuing terror and panic!

[Exterior; Mushroom Royal Castle]

(Bowser sits on the throne, and the Koopa Empire rules the Mushroom Kingdom.  Mario, Luigi, and Peach are in the dungeon)

Luigi:  We have to find a way to get out of here-  Princess, what are you doing?

Peach: (writing on a notepad)  I’m preparing for the next Bowser Day, silly.  It’s going to be even better!

Mario:  It’ll be the best Bowser Day holiday ever!

Luigi: …

Peach:  Don’t worry, Luigi.  Under all of the holiday’s cheap aspects and the wide commercialism, under all of that, well it’s still hollow and meaningless.

Luigi: …

Peach:  But under all that.  Under all of the cheap aspects, commercialism, fascism, hollowness, and meaninglessness, I’m sure there’s something.

Mario: (sitting on a fire)  It makes my bottom tingle like I’m sitting on a fire.

Peach:  Yes, that sounds reasonable.  Luigi, is your bottom tingling with the holiday spirit?

Luigi: …

Mario:  PICKLE!

[Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show Writers’ Room]

Chef Torte:  Vow, zhe zecond episode turned out pretty good.

Cardboard Box: …

Chef Torte:  I don’t zhe vhy ve haf to hire you juzt because you von at zhat Jeopardy game.

Gruntilda:  The box is cool, leave him alone.  If you make a move, down your pants I’ll stick ice cream and a cone!

Ryan-oshi:  Ok, everyone, get started on the third episode.

Chef Torte:  Vhy does zhe box get paid more zhen me?  Oh, and can ve haf Bowzer Day off?

Ryan-oshi:  No.

Gruntilda:  My bottom itches, and my back cramps; I think it’s time we make that yoshis’ pants damp!

Ryan-oshi:  Yoshis don’t wear pants.

Chef Torte:  You naked freak!

Cardboard Box: …

(Luigi crashes through the door with an AK-47)

Luigi:  I’m going to kill you all!

Ryan-oshi: (sighs) Who left the door open?

Chef Torte: (points to Cardboard Box)

Gruntilda: (to the camera)  Don’t worry about the writers and me!  We’ll see you again on episode three!

 Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show

Episode Four: Delightful Dinner Debauchery

[Interior; Bowser’s Throne Room]

(Camera closes up on Chef Torte on his knees, pleading with Bowser, who has an unconvinced Kamek standing next to him)

Chef Torte:  Oh, moi’s mozt putrid Koopa King, vhy oh vhy can’t I haf vone teeny veeny little restaurant.  It vill be stupendous!

(Chef Torte turns to the camera)

Chef Tore:  Eat your heart out, Bette Midler.

(Turns back to Bowser and Kamek)

Chef Torte:  (whimpering)

(Bowser looks at Kamek)

Kamek:  I’m unconvinced.  Tell me, Torte, what will this exactly accomplish?  May I remind you that we are in debt from last week’s Bowser Day expenses?  Don't even get me started on that Gordita incident that you claim never happened.

Chef Torte:  Oh, vell, er, it vill be so popular, zhat it vill earn enough money to fuel some kind of huge bombad plan zhingie to destroy zhose pesky plumbers vonce and for all!  I guarantee it.  Vell, at least my apprentice does.

Kamek:  I’m still not sure that…

Bowser: (wild eyed and foaming at the mouth)  Destroy the Mario Bro.’s?  Money!?  I’ll do it…oh, on one condition.

Chef Torte:  (gleaming)  Vhat ist zhat my mozt generous king?

Bowser:  (gets a mustache out of nowhere and clips it on)  I will be one of your waiters!  Kamek can seat people, can’chya, Kamek?

Kamek:  I…I…

Chef Torte:  (puppy eyes)  Oh, pleaze, oh pleaze!  Eveiryone ist doing it.  Zhat’s zhe motto of your shoes.  Juzt do it!

Kamek:  (roll eyes, concedingly)  Well…if a shoe company says it’s ok, than of course!  It has to be the most wonderful idea in the world!

[Exterior; Mushroom Village Royal Castle Courtyard]

(Mario, Toad, Princess Peach, and Luigi are all playing a game of beat Toad Can’t Win)

Toad: (gets hit with a medicine ball)  Ow, hey!  When I knocked Luigi’s teeth out with a medicine ball, you said it was againt the third rule.

Luigi: (growling through a swollen mouth) It sure was!

Mario:  Yeah, I know, but inversely, rule one is “Toad can’t win,” so you’d be breaking a rule by trying to validate the third one.  Consequently, you lose double the points, meaning –34 off your current score.

Toad: But I don’t have any points!

Mario:  And you never will! (throws bowling ball at Toad)

Peach:  I love Toad Can’t Win!  I always win!

Luigi:  (drinking a cup of Cambell’s noodle soup)  Mmm, mm…better!

Mario:  Butter.

Luigi:  No, better.

Mario: Butter.

Peach:  Cut it out you two; Toad’s starting to regain his senses.  Someone give me an anvil.

Toad:  Did someone say Advil?

Mario:  9 out of 10 doctors prefer Advil’s maximum strength, long-lasting flavor to that icky poo-poo headed Tylenal crap.

Luigi:  I say we storm Tylenal’s headquaters and kill them!

Peach:  (hides Tylenal bottle behind back)  Yeah, down with Tylenal!

Toad:  I like Bayer better. 

(Everyone throws random heavy objects at Toad)

Everyone else:  We win!

Toad:  Aw, I hate Toad Can’t Win.

(Yoshi comes crashing down through the sky, landing on Toad)

Toad:  …

Yoshi:  That’s a bit of bad luck there.  Anyway, I just ate at this new restaurant called Torte’s Bistro, and it’s excellent!  The best food I’ve had in years! 

Mario:  I like O’ Charley’s better, where good times and good food start with “O.”

Peach:  Do they have Dr. Pepper?  It’s original.  It puts a light in my soul.  Dr. Pepper; it makes the world taste better.

Yoshi:  Dr. Pepper, yes’sum!

Toad: (muffled)  Krystal’s has those new spicy chicken bites.

Everyone else:  SHUT UP!  You’re WORTHLESS!

Luigi:  Mmphf, mmphf.

Peach:  Oh, Mario, sweety, honey…

Yoshi:  Honey is tasty and sweet.

Peach: Can we go to Torte’s Bistro?

Mario:  (reading an Advil bottle)  Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure!

Yoshi:  What about Toad?

Mario:  Just leave him here.  We’ll stop by Krystal’s on the way back.

Toad:  Chicken bites!

[Interior; Torte’s Bistro]

(Mario, Luigi, and Peach come in, along with Mallow, and Kamek greets them warily)

Kamek: (to himself)  Oh, no.  Now we’re in for it.  We won’t make it out alive.

Kamek:  How may I help you today?

Mario:  (waving stupidly)  Oh, hey, Kamek!  Party of four, please.  We’d like to sit in a non-smoking section.

Mallow: (whispers to Mario)

Mario:  Booth, please.

Kamek:  I can seat you now.

Mario:  Oh!  Make it four separate tables.  We’ll each be in the same party, though.

Kamek:  Er…ok.  I can still seat you.

Mario:  Wonderful!

(Five minutes later; Kamek walks up to the table Mario is sitting at)

Kamek:  What will you have to drink today, sir?

Mario: (head in menu)  Hmm…how about a nice glass of water.

Kamek:  There’s already a complimentary water on the table.

Mario:  You don’t know where that’s been.

Kamek:  Yes I do.  I just brought it ou…

Mario:  GO GET ME A NEW ONE NOW!

Kamek: (sighs)  Right away, sir.

(Kamek walks up to Bowser who’s sitting down with his servees)

Bowser:  Hey, Kamek, get us one more round of sodas will ya?

Kamek:  Bowser!  You’re supposed to be waiting tables.

Bowser:  I got bored.  I met this nice family from Kentucky.  Meet Bill, Nancy, and their sweet little boy, Zadock, the Prince of Evil.

Zadock:  You’re stupid!  (kicks Kamek)

Kameck:  Yeouch!  Uggh, fine!  I’ll do it myself!

(Chef Torte pokes head out)

Chef Torte:  Kamek!  Did you get zhose orders from zhe new guests?

Kamek:  I’m working on it!

(Kamek goes over to Peach’s table)

Kamek:  Anything to drink?

Peach:  Yes, I’d like a Coke.

Kamek:  We only have Pepsi.

Peach:  Why?

Kamek: (sighs)  They paid us more.

Peach:  Well…can you bring me out a glass that says Coke on the side with Pepsi in it?

Kamek:  I’ll…see what I can do.

Mallow: (from across the restaurant)  Erherm!  Waiter!  Over here!

(Kamek runs over)

Kamek:  I see you’re enjoying your Bubbly Float.  Are you ready to order?

Mallow:  Yes, I’d like a chicken breast with vegetables and mashed potatoes.

Kamek:  Chicken Breast Dinner coming up.

Mallow:  Except…nevermind…

Kamek:  No, what?  You’re the customer.

Mallow:  Can you make the chicken like, you know, in strips?  I’d also like them fried.  And can you make the vegetables and potatoes taste more like french fries?  I hope that won’t be too much trouble.

Kamek:  Why not just get the Chicken Strips and Fries Deal?

Mallow:  I don’t want that icky stuff.  I want the Grilled Chicken dinner, but with said specifications of course.

Kamek:  …

Luigi:  (from across the room)  Waiter!  HELP ME!

(Kamek runs over)

Kamek:  Yes, sir, what’s wrong?

Luigi:  Well, I sat down with my Meatloaf Puree that I got from the bar, and I noticed there was a leaf right next to it!  The server put a leaf on my loaf of meat.  Yucko!

Kamek:  That’s parsely.  It makes the plate look prettier.

Luigi:  It’s a leaf!  Are you trying to kill me?  Take it away.

Kamek:  (takes parsely off)

Luigi:  You expect that to fix it?  Go back and get another one.  This one’s been contaminated.

Kamek:  But…

Luigi: Now!

(Kamek takes the orders and the meatloaf into the kitchen)

Chef Torte:  Zhere you are!  Vhere haf you been?  Help me viz zhis cheese monster!

(The kitchen is a blistering mess and a gigantic, growling cheese monster is battling with Chef Torte)

Kamek:  ACK!  (blasts  the cheese monster)

Chef Torte:  Phew, zhat vas close one!  Oh, zhere’s zhe ordeirs.  Quick, go see vhat zhe rest vant!

(Kamek runs over to Mario’s table)

Mario: (head in menu)  Oh, hi.

Kamek:  Are you ready to order yet?

Mario: (looks up)  Hm?  Oh, no, not yet.  I could use a topper on that water, though.

Kamek:  Oh, yes, of…course….say, that water is still full.

Mario:  (looks at full water glass)  No it’s not.  It’s completely empty.

Kamek: It’s full!  Any more full and it would spill.

Mario:  Don’t lie to me.  Go fill’er up…NOW!

(Kamek runs off with the glass but is stopped by Peach)

Peach:  This glass says Pepsi on it.  Pepsi offends me.

Kamek:  But you drank it.

Peach:  Pepsi doesn’t offend me, just the word “Pepsi.”  Make it say something different.  What about Sprite?

Kamek:  Well, ya see, Sprite is made by Coke.

Peach:  Sprite tastes a WHOLE lot different than Coke.

Kamek:  I know that, but they’re both made by Coke, as in the…

Peach:  You know, Kamek, when you can’t taste the soda, it’s a sign you’ve had a little too much.

Kamek:  I’m fine, thank you.  What if I put 7-up on it?

Peach:  No, 7-up is to…7-uppy. It doesn’t give me the happy-go-lucky fizzing bubbliness that Coke does.  No, you’ll have to do something else.  Dr. Pepper?

Kamek:  What about Mr. Pibb?

Peach: Never met him.  Say, do you think Dr. Pepper’s a real doctor?  I don’t think he’s qualified to be a soda drink.

Kamek: …

Peach:  HURRY UP!

(Kamek runs off but is stopped by Luigi)

Luigi:  Oh, the world is ending!  Waiter!  Oh, there you are.  Come quick!

Kamek:  What is it?

Luigi:  My water.  It has a lemon in it.

Kamek:  So?

Luigi:  Well, don’t you see?  It’s missing a seed!  Oh, woe is me!

Kamek:  …  I’ll get another lemon.

Luigi:  Nope, it’s already been contaminated by the bad lemon.  Hey, and where’s that meatloaf?  It’d better not have grass on it this time.

Mallow:  Get over here!

Kamek:  I’ll be right back.

(Kamek runs over to Mallow)

Kamek:  (huffing)  Yes? 

Mallow:  I’ve changed my mind.  I’d like those fried chicken strips to taste more like, you know, salmon.  And I think I’d like the fries to say, well, “Rice” all over them.  They need to be steamy too.

Kamek:  Cant’ I just order you…

Mallow:  Are you trying to change my mind?

Kamek:  No, sir, but…

Chef Torte: (from kitchen)  KAMEK!

(Kamek runs into kitchen; the kitchen has been made into a sun room with a radio and entertainment center)

Chef Torte:  Vhat do you zhink?  It’s funking isn’t it!?  Shake your groove zhing, baby!  Show me how to do it now!  YEAH!

Kamek:  But where’s the cooking stuff?

Chef Torte: …

Kamek:  Well?

Chef Torte:  In moi’s hurry to funkify zhe atmosphere, I sold zhe cooking stuff.  Perhaps you could go get some…more….ok, moi will do it.  Juzt get zhose orders straight, ok?

Kamek:  (nods wearily)

(Kameks runs out to Mario’s table finding Peach)

Kamek:  What’re you sitting here for?

Peach:  We went to the buffet, and I took Mario’s seat.

Kamek:  But you’re all sitting at separate tables.

Peach:  Yeah.  What’s your point?

Kamek:  Nothing.  Where’s Mario sitting?

Peach:  Well, Mario’s sitting where Mallow was sitting, Luigi’s sitting where Mallow was sitting, and Mallow is sitting where Luigi was sitting.  Say, did you bring back that coke yet?

Kamek:  I told you we didn’t have any coke.  What do you want to eat?

Peach:  No coke?  Since when?  Why wasn’t I informed of this!?

Kamek:  I think I hear Mario calling.

(Half way to his destination, the entire Mario party gets up and randomly switches seats)

Kamek:  Mario, there you are!  Have you decided what you want to eat…yet…Mallow?

Mallow:  Yeah, hey, Kamek, I’ve changed my mind.  Instead of something like salmon, I’d like more of steak texture, but I want it to taste like…like catfish.  Can the vegetables be more along the lines of eggs?

Kamek:  How I’m I going to make potatoes taste like eggs?

Mallow:  Not really taste like eggs, look like them.  Color them yellow and chop them up.  Make sure they smell like eggs.  The wonderful, edible egg.

Kamek:  I’ll try….

Mallow:  Eggland’s best if you have it.

Kamek:  But I thought you said…

Mallow:  On second thought…

Kamek:  I’ll be right back.

(Kamek runs over to Luigi’s table with glass of water)

Luigi:  Oh, waiter, the most terrible thing happened.  While you were gone, the order of my sugar packets mysteriously changed.  Now it’s pink, blue, white instead of blue, white, pink. Change them back, will you?

(Kamek changes them)

Luigi:  No, that won’t do.  Just go get me another little box of sugar packets.  I can’t get the old order out of my head. 

Kamek:  But it’ll be the same thing if…

Luigi:  Don’t try to cheer me up.  Just go.

(Kamek is stopped by Mario)

Mario:  I’ve decided what I wanted to order!

Kamek:  What?

Mario:  This menu!  It’s so colorful and vibrant.

Kamek: …

(Suddenly, Toad crashes in and shoots Kamek with a bazooka; the latter falls down, bleeding)

Kamek:  Ow.

Peach:  Say, waiter, about dessert…

Kamek:  AGGGH!

(Thirty minutes later; the restaurant has been completely destroyed and Chef Torte is crying over the ashes;  Kamek demands payment from the dishonorable customers)

Kamek:  (angrily)  And will this be all on one tab?

Mario:  No.  I’ll be sharing a tab with Peach, but I’ll also be sharing a separate tab with Luigi.

Kamek:  So that’s one tab for the three of you, and…

Mario:  No, two separate tab pairs.

Kamek: …

Mario:  Oh, and Mallow will also have a joint separate tab with me, and Luigi will have another separate tab with Peach, who will in turn have a separate tab with Mallow.  Then I want another separate tab between Luigi and Mallow.  Make sure to get them right.

Kamek:  What in the world?  You’re insane!

Mario:  I want the desserts to be on a different tab completely.  In fact, log them down as different visits, the dinners yesterday, and the desserts today.

Kamek:  May I ask why?

Mario:  No.

Mallow:  On second thought…

Kamek:  JUST LEAVE.  THE MEALS ARE FREE!

Mario:  The meals on separate tabs?  I don’t want free meals on the same tab.

Kamek:  LEAVE NOW!

Peach:  I’m never eating here again.

Mario:  Tell me about it.

(Bowser walks out with the family)

Bowser:  That went rather well!  Tell Chef Torte he can have your job.

Kamek: (sighs) Well, at least there’s only 388 more days until the next Bowser Day holiday.

(Ragged Curtain Falls)

[Interior; Writers’ Room]

Chef Torte:  Vow, zhat vas awesome!  Moi really like zhe partz vis me in it.  Zhey vere zhe best, obviously.  I mean, come on, a sun room?  You juzt put moi in a story and, BOOM, hilarity ensues.

Gruntilda: Stupid show, it was crap, one more minute of it, and I’d of taken a nap.

Box: …

Chef Torte: Zhe box said you helped write it.

Gruntilda:  Dumb boxes are really square, one more crack and I'll rip and tear.

Box: …

(Ryan-oshi enters)

Ryan-oshi:  How's everything going in here?  Is Episode Five almost done?

Chef Torte:  (gets out coffee-stained script)  Vell…

Gruntilda: (wrestles with the script and Chef Torte)  Don’t show him that, you’re really dumb, I hope you get, in your food, some gum!

Chef Torte:  Moi hates gum!

Box: …

Ryan-oshi:  What about those important portfolios and records I sent over?

Chef Torte:  (absently)  Vell, zhose portfolio zhingies, I ran out of tissue paper, and my snoze was cold and itchy.  We didn’t have any Puffs, so SNOT, I did vhat came natural.  Oh, and you know how, hahaha, hehehe, round records some times look like…oh, you’re going to laugh at zhis…hahaha.

Ryan-oshi:  Look like what?

Chef Torte: …floaties.

Everyone: (jumps Chef Torte)

Chef Torte:  MON DIEU!