Episode One: Loony Legal Loopholes
[Exterior Day; Mushroom Way]
Mario: So, you’re saying that our show’s title could be revoked for legal reasons?
Luigi: Of course. Truth be known, there was a similar show called the Super Mario Bro. Super Show. The absence of the word “duper” is no matter of significance. We’re doomed!
Mario: (thinking) Well, I guess we’ll have to come up with a new title instead of the Mario Bro.’s.
Luigi: (raises a finger to the air) To the registration offices!
[Interior, Day; Koopa Castle]
Bowser sits on his throne, repeatedly hitting Kamek with a paddle ball. Kamek sits gloomily with his chin in his hands, cupped together
Bowser: So, Kamek, how much exactly are we getting paid for this new gig. Could it be enough to spell certain doom for the Mario Bro…oops. Er…we can’t say that can we?
Kamek: (shakes head) No, I’m afraid Nintendo has made it so the two plumber brothers cannot use their own names. Referring to their real names would be a breach of contract. Instead, we they have to find new names.
Bowser: (a cheesy lightbulb graphic appears overhead) I’ve got it! While their out trying to register new names, we can buy out their own names, therefore becoming, in essence, the Mario Bro.’s…all rights reserved and registered.
Kamek: Awww….that means we’ll have to go to Nintendo Headquaters…
[Interior, Day; Registration Office]
Mario and Luigi sit in two small chairs as a mushroomer peers at them from over his glasses.
Mushroomer: So, you wish to register new names. Why not use your own?
Luigi: We can’t. For some odd reason, our names have already been registered by Nintendo. Therefore, any true self-expressions based on our actual lives would be illegal and punishable by some sort of odd death.
Mario: I would like to eat a cookie before I die, a special cookie that tastes sweet.
Mushroomer: (stares blankly) Uh-huh. So, you want me to see what other names you can use since you are now starring in your own show…again.
Luigi: We never actually starred in the first one. Like I said, Nintendo registered our names and hired fake actors to voice our animation look-alikes.
Mario: I would hug my cookie and take care of it. We would go for walks, and I would read it bedtime stories.
Mushroomer: Ok, let’s see. (looks through some files) How about, Washington Cleaners Inc?
Luigi: No, we’re not very good at cleaning.
Mario: We might become something even more special than friends. We could get married on a hilltop by some Elvis wannabe.
Mushroomer: But your plumbers.
Luigi: No, that’s simply another term applied to us by Nintendo. Since they pretty much own our souls, they can do anything they want.
Mario: Then it would lie to me. We’d get in fights over financial problems. It’d get fat, unattractive. I just can’t live this life anymore! We were so young and naïve! Don’t let one mistake ruin my existence. I hate you!
Mushroomer: Ok, what about…Johansen Medical Plaza? Yogurt Mania? Oh, here’s one…Kenny’s Foot Palace.
Luigi: Do you have anything that sounds more heroic? We can’t go around saying, “Look out Bowser. We’re the Johansen Medical Plaza Bro.’s!”
Mario: Then one day, after finally finding myself, I’d realize you are the one I want, sugar pie! Your cookieness is all I need. Take me as I am! Forgive me!
Mushroomer: It depends on what inflection you use. You could say it with a vengence. Come one, give it a try.
Luigi: How in the world could you…nevermind. Come on Mario, we’re leaving.
Mario: No, I’m my own man now. The cookie and me are lovers. GO AWAY!
Luigi: (hits Mario) NOW!
[Exterior, Day; Nintendo HQ]
Bowser and Kamek, disguised as Captain Picard and Spock, respectively, walk up to the HQ guard booth.
Bowser: Spock, it seems that we have come to Nintendo HQ. (turns to guard) Good sir, please let us, as envoys from the Galactic Trade Federation, meet with your registration offices.
Kamek: Captain, it seems that his human is an intelligent one. He will let us through.
Guard: I thought Picard was in the New Generation series. How did you get in the same time period?
Bowser: (stammering) Er…haven’t you seen Star Trek: Generations?
Guard: Oh, yeah. Um, proceed.
Bowser: Spock, prepare for entering the HQ, quadrant 4 o niner. Engage! (moves hand down)
[Interior, Day; Nintendo HQ Registration Office]
Bowser and Kamek, still in disguise, sit in front of a Japanese person.
Guy: So, you want to buy name, yes?
Kamek: Captain, I believe this human knows our want. Perhaps we should tell him of it…the want…the…thingie…um…now.
Bowser: What? … Oh, yes! The want! We would like to buy the registered name, Mario Bro.’s.
Guy: That not possible. We own it and make money off of it. Shigeru is very nice man, very nice.
Kamek: But why not call them the Nintendo Bro.’s instead?
Guy: Oh, we would very much like that, but somebody already has that name registered. See? (hands address)
Suddenly, Mario comes in again and takes the address!
Mario: Haha! Foiled again, Fungah Breath.
Bowser: Spock, what was that creature?
[Interior, Day; Nintendo Bro.’s Bakery]
Luigi walks up to the counter, addressing the baker. Mario nibbles greedily on a chocolate chip cookie.
Luigi: So you see, since your name is Bob, you could sell Nintendo Bro.’s back to Nintendo and name your bakery Bob’s bakery.
Mario: I am the cookie master. All the cookie’s come to me! They’ll do anything I tell them.
Baker: Oh! How I would love for that to be my bakery’s name! Sadly, someone else already owns the name Bob. I can’t use it.
Luigi: Where are they?
Mario: Tear it, tear it, tear it…TEAR IT UP!
Bakery: Here’s the address.
[Bob’s Pizza In A Cup Eporium]
Luigi: (sees a woman at the counter) What’s your name?
Woman: Mary, this is my shop.
Luigi: Why don’t you just call it Mary’s shop? I know someone else that wants the name Bob.
Mario: If I tie enough cookies to my arm, maybe I can fly. We’ll fly so high…in the sky.
Woman: Oh, I would, but someone already has the name Mary.
Mario: Cookie + Cheese = Heaven
[Interior, Day; Jimmy’s Metal Shop]
A crowd of people stand behind Luigi and Mario. Luigi desperately talks with the owner of the shop.
Luigi: So you see, we want the name Mario, but Nintendo already has it. Nintendo wants the name Nintendo Bro.’s, but Bob already has it for his bakery shop. Mary has the name Bob, though, for her pizza shop…
Mary: Pizza in a cup…
Luigi: (groans) Right, pizza in a cup. Mary wants the name Mary, but Mary’s Kapazzo shop was already using it. The owner, Dill, did want the name Dill, but Dill’s Mushroom Growth Attorney already had it. The owner of Dill’s Attorney (gosh) ‘s name was Jimmy, but you see, you already have the name Jimmy, so he can’t use it! Now, all you have to do is change your name from Jimmy’s Metal Shop to something else, and then everyone will be happy.
Owner: But I don’t want to change my shop’s name.
Luigi: (slams fists on counter) And why is that???!!!
Owner: Because my name’s Jimmy.
[Exterior, Day; Mushroom Way]
Bowser has Peach in his grasps.
Peach: Someone! Help me! HAAAALLLLPPP!
Bowser: Spock, why does she scream so?
Luigi rushes in
Peach: yay, where’s Mario?
Luigi: He went to live in seclusion with a bag of cookies.
Bowser: (gasps) Tell me, the great Captain Kirk, who you are.
Luigi: I am Luigi, member of the (winces) Johansen Medical Plaza Bro.s, and I’m here to save the princess.
Peach: Not with a name like that your not. (hits Luigi with a purse as he tries to rescue her)
Luigi: (watches them go off) I hate this show.
The Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show
Episode 2: Holiday
[Interior; Koopa Kastle]
(Roof View over Throne Room; camera spirals down to close up on Bowser, who is dancing with Kamek…very badly)
Bowser: Lighten your feet up. Come on, show spirit!
Kamek: Sir, my poor toes have been crunched, smushed, and furthermore, injured. Please let them rest!
Bowser: I highly doubt that “smushed” is a word. If you’re going to complain, you could at least do so in a grammatically pleasing way. Now, go on. One, two, three, step!
(Suddenly, a bullet bill rams through, flinging Kamek into the next room, through a stone wall. The bullet bill stops abruptly)
Bullet Bill: (looks at Kamek shaped hole in the wall) Now that’s a bit of bad luck there. (turns to Bowser) Anyway, I’ve come with news from the 3rd Paratroopa squadron.
Bowser: I didn’t know we even had three of those.
BB: We actually only have one. You called it the third one to make it look like you had more.
Bowser: (shifting eyes) Of course I did! I was just testing you. And if I must say so, you’re response was 1.003 seconds late. Bad form!
BB: (whimpers) Sorry, sir. Oh! I almost forgot. We got a little message from the Princess Peach.
Bowser: (picking nose) Who now?
BB: The girl.
Bowser: Oh, yeah, the fruit lady. Go on.
BB: Today’s National Paperclip Day. They asked us not to attack on a holiday. But I suggest we go ahead and attack. This would be the perfect oppur-
Bowser: No! We can’t interrupt on a holiday. Our plan is ruined! Oh, well, find all the paperclips you can. Chop-chop. Where’s your holiday spirit?
Kamek: (comes back in, charred) Sir, I just had a wonderful idea!
Bowser: (whispering to Bullet Bill) Ram him on the way out.
BB: My pleasure, sir.
[Interior; Mushroom Royal Castle]
(Paper clips are hung everywhere, along with hats, drinks, the works)
Mario: Oh, princess, I just love Paperclip Day!
Peach: (blows a kazoo; paperclip confetti goes everywhere) Yes, me too! You have to remember, though, it’s National Paper Clip Day. Just about everyone cele- Luigi, why aren’t you partying like dere ain’t no tomorrow like the rest of us? I used my wide influence to get back the Mario name.
Luigi: Yes, and I’m thankful for that, but come on. A holiday about Paperclips? I think we have too many holidays all together. We have more holidays than days. We’re either preparing for a holiday, living through the heck of a holiday, or getting over the effects of a holiday. I hate holidays! Holidays, holidays, holidays!
Mario: (blinks) Oh, cheer up! Washrag Day is only a few days away.
[Interior; Koopa Kastle]
Bowser: So you’re saying we should create a Bowser Day holiday?
Kamek: (nods) Yes, and erase all the others. We’ll be able to rule the Mushroom Kingdom!
Bowser: How do you go about doing all of this holiday business?
Kamek: We make a little visit to the Mushroom Kingdom Parliament. Off we go!
[Interior; Mushroom Kingdom Capitol]
Kamek: (speaking to all the delegates) So, I say we institute a new Bowser Day holiday.
Delegate 1: But what about all the other time-wasting stuff? We can’t just get rid of the other holidays. People will miss buying cheap presents for people they don’t care about, blowing themselves up with fireworks, throwing barbecues with people they don’t like, professing divine devotion to Kumquat, Lord of the Inferno…um….
Kamek: Uh, well, I…
Delegate 2: I move for an amendment. Why don’t we combine all the other aspects of holidays with Bowser Day to make for one big holiday! Kamek?
Kamek: Hmm. That would mean an annoying, super chaotic day of terror and misery for everyone once a year. (smiles) I like it! Just remember, on Bowser Day, Bowser can take over what every city he wants to. I now move a motion that we vote on a Bowser Day holiday. Those in favor, say “I”
Kamek: Close enough.
[Interior; top Mushroom Kingdom late night news program]
(Favorite journalist Barbara Liberalpants sits in a chair adjacent from one Kamek is sitting in)
Barbara: Tonight, we talk with Kamek, the magikoopa who dispelled all holidays and combined them with one super holiday, Bowser Day. Now Kamek, why did you feel the need to change the holidays?
Kamek: Frankly, we have too many holidays. I figured we could combine them all into one for easier, more combined…holiday…stuff.
Barbara: I see. Doesn’t that make things more hectic?
Kamek: What’s wrong? Don’t you have holiday spirit?
Barbara: Of course I do. The holidays are great!
Kamek: Nuh-uh. THE holiday. Bowser Day holiday.
(A group of protesters and a fiery shy guy crash through the set)
Shy Guy: I am Kumquat, Lord of the Inferno. We have come to burn your impure day of death! Attack!
(The horde rushes forward, carrying of Ms. Liberalpants, screaming. Kamek sits in his chair, a mess around him.)
Kamek: (turns to camera) Things are always tense around the Bowser Day holiday.
[Exterior; Mushroom Way Highway]
(thousands of citizens line the sidewalks, blocked off, as several Bowser-themed balloons pass by, followed by similar floats)
Announcer 1: Chet, it looks like another lovely Bowser Day holiday parade to me. I can’t wait to see Bowser arrive on his float!
Chet: That’s right, Amy. Hey, want to know an interesting fact? Those balloons are filled with strawberry jam!
Amy: Why, I thought they were filled with helium!
Chet: You dumb slut.
Both: (laughing hysterically)
(On the prodigious main float near the back, Bowser sits on a throne, Kamek near the front beating a drum while several koopas row oars, making the float move)
Kamek: (beating drum faster) Look lively! I want the audience to see Bowser with his hair flowing like on those Herbal Essence commercials.
Bowser: What a lovely holiday.
Chet: Look, there they come! I must say, Bowser sure does look spiffy with the wind blowing through his hair like that. I wonder if he’s single.
Amy: Chet, you fool, that’s my line!
Chet: Oh, yeah! (laughs)
(A cheerleading float breaks down in front of the Bowser Float)
Chet: Uh-oh; that’s a bit of bad luck there.
Bowser: Well, I guess we have to stop.
Kamek: No, full speed ahead! HAHAHAHAHA!
Cheerleaders: (screaming in terror)
(The Bowser float runs over the cheerleading float and mass explosions follow)
Amy: And that concludes another wonderful Bowser Day holiday parade! Let’s watch the ensuing terror and panic!
[Exterior; Mushroom Royal Castle]
(Bowser sits on the throne, and the Koopa Empire rules the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario, Luigi, and Peach are in the dungeon)
Luigi: We have to find a way to get out of here- Princess, what are you doing?
Peach: (writing on a notepad) I’m preparing for the next Bowser Day, silly. It’s going to be even better!
Mario: It’ll be the best Bowser Day holiday ever!
Peach: Don’t worry, Luigi. Under all of the holiday’s cheap aspects and the wide commercialism, under all of that, well it’s still hollow and meaningless.
Peach: But under all that. Under all of the cheap aspects, commercialism, fascism, hollowness, and meaninglessness, I’m sure there’s something.
Mario: (sitting on a fire) It makes my bottom tingle like I’m sitting on a fire.
Peach: Yes, that sounds reasonable. Luigi, is your bottom tingling with the holiday spirit?
[Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show Writers’ Room]
Chef Torte: Vow, zhe zecond episode turned out pretty good.
Cardboard Box: …
Chef Torte: I don’t zhe vhy ve haf to hire you juzt because you von at zhat Jeopardy game.
Gruntilda: The box is cool, leave him alone. If you make a move, down your pants I’ll stick ice cream and a cone!
Ryan-oshi: Ok, everyone, get started on the third episode.
Chef Torte: Vhy does zhe box get paid more zhen me? Oh, and can ve haf Bowzer Day off?
Gruntilda: My bottom itches, and my back cramps; I think it’s time we make that yoshis’ pants damp!
Ryan-oshi: Yoshis don’t wear pants.
Chef Torte: You naked freak!
Cardboard Box: …
(Luigi crashes through the door with an AK-47)
Luigi: I’m going to kill you all!
Ryan-oshi: (sighs) Who left the door open?
Chef Torte: (points to Cardboard Box)
Gruntilda: (to the camera) Don’t worry about the writers and me! We’ll see you again on episode three!
Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show
Episode Four: Delightful Dinner Debauchery
[Interior; Bowser’s Throne Room]
(Camera closes up on Chef Torte on his knees, pleading with Bowser, who has an unconvinced Kamek standing next to him)
Chef Torte: Oh, moi’s mozt putrid Koopa King, vhy oh vhy can’t I haf vone teeny veeny little restaurant. It vill be stupendous!
(Chef Torte turns to the camera)
Chef Tore: Eat your heart out, Bette Midler.
(Turns back to Bowser and Kamek)
Chef Torte: (whimpering)
(Bowser looks at Kamek)
Kamek: I’m unconvinced. Tell me, Torte, what will this exactly accomplish? May I remind you that we are in debt from last week’s Bowser Day expenses? Don't even get me started on that Gordita incident that you claim never happened.
Chef Torte: Oh, vell, er, it vill be so popular, zhat it vill earn enough money to fuel some kind of huge bombad plan zhingie to destroy zhose pesky plumbers vonce and for all! I guarantee it. Vell, at least my apprentice does.
Kamek: I’m still not sure that…
Bowser: (wild eyed and foaming at the mouth) Destroy the Mario Bro.’s? Money!? I’ll do it…oh, on one condition.
Chef Torte: (gleaming) Vhat ist zhat my mozt generous king?
Bowser: (gets a mustache out of nowhere and clips it on) I will be one of your waiters! Kamek can seat people, can’chya, Kamek?
Chef Torte: (puppy eyes) Oh, pleaze, oh pleaze! Eveiryone ist doing it. Zhat’s zhe motto of your shoes. Juzt do it!
Kamek: (roll eyes, concedingly) Well…if a shoe company says it’s ok, than of course! It has to be the most wonderful idea in the world!
[Exterior; Mushroom Village Royal Castle Courtyard]
(Mario, Toad, Princess Peach, and Luigi are all playing a game of beat Toad Can’t Win)
Toad: (gets hit with a medicine ball) Ow, hey! When I knocked Luigi’s teeth out with a medicine ball, you said it was againt the third rule.
Luigi: (growling through a swollen mouth) It sure was!
Mario: Yeah, I know, but inversely, rule one is “Toad can’t win,” so you’d be breaking a rule by trying to validate the third one. Consequently, you lose double the points, meaning –34 off your current score.
Toad: But I don’t have any points!
Mario: And you never will! (throws bowling ball at Toad)
Peach: I love Toad Can’t Win! I always win!
Luigi: (drinking a cup of Cambell’s noodle soup) Mmm, mm…better!
Luigi: No, better.
Peach: Cut it out you two; Toad’s starting to regain his senses. Someone give me an anvil.
Toad: Did someone say Advil?
Mario: 9 out of 10 doctors prefer Advil’s maximum strength, long-lasting flavor to that icky poo-poo headed Tylenal crap.
Luigi: I say we storm Tylenal’s headquaters and kill them!
Peach: (hides Tylenal bottle behind back) Yeah, down with Tylenal!
Toad: I like Bayer better.
(Everyone throws random heavy objects at Toad)
Everyone else: We win!
Toad: Aw, I hate Toad Can’t Win.
(Yoshi comes crashing down through the sky, landing on Toad)
Yoshi: That’s a bit of bad luck there. Anyway, I just ate at this new restaurant called Torte’s Bistro, and it’s excellent! The best food I’ve had in years!
Mario: I like O’ Charley’s better, where good times and good food start with “O.”
Peach: Do they have Dr. Pepper? It’s original. It puts a light in my soul. Dr. Pepper; it makes the world taste better.
Yoshi: Dr. Pepper, yes’sum!
Toad: (muffled) Krystal’s has those new spicy chicken bites.
Everyone else: SHUT UP! You’re WORTHLESS!
Luigi: Mmphf, mmphf.
Peach: Oh, Mario, sweety, honey…
Yoshi: Honey is tasty and sweet.
Peach: Can we go to Torte’s Bistro?
Mario: (reading an Advil bottle) Huh? Oh, yeah, sure!
Yoshi: What about Toad?
Mario: Just leave him here. We’ll stop by Krystal’s on the way back.
Toad: Chicken bites!
[Interior; Torte’s Bistro]
(Mario, Luigi, and Peach come in, along with Mallow, and Kamek greets them warily)
Kamek: (to himself) Oh, no. Now we’re in for it. We won’t make it out alive.
Kamek: How may I help you today?
Mario: (waving stupidly) Oh, hey, Kamek! Party of four, please. We’d like to sit in a non-smoking section.
Mallow: (whispers to Mario)
Mario: Booth, please.
Kamek: I can seat you now.
Mario: Oh! Make it four separate tables. We’ll each be in the same party, though.
Kamek: Er…ok. I can still seat you.
(Five minutes later; Kamek walks up to the table Mario is sitting at)
Kamek: What will you have to drink today, sir?
Mario: (head in menu) Hmm…how about a nice glass of water.
Kamek: There’s already a complimentary water on the table.
Mario: You don’t know where that’s been.
Kamek: Yes I do. I just brought it ou…
Mario: GO GET ME A NEW ONE NOW!
Kamek: (sighs) Right away, sir.
(Kamek walks up to Bowser who’s sitting down with his servees)
Bowser: Hey, Kamek, get us one more round of sodas will ya?
Kamek: Bowser! You’re supposed to be waiting tables.
Bowser: I got bored. I met this nice family from Kentucky. Meet Bill, Nancy, and their sweet little boy, Zadock, the Prince of Evil.
Zadock: You’re stupid! (kicks Kamek)
Kameck: Yeouch! Uggh, fine! I’ll do it myself!
(Chef Torte pokes head out)
Chef Torte: Kamek! Did you get zhose orders from zhe new guests?
Kamek: I’m working on it!
(Kamek goes over to Peach’s table)
Kamek: Anything to drink?
Peach: Yes, I’d like a Coke.
Kamek: We only have Pepsi.
Kamek: (sighs) They paid us more.
Peach: Well…can you bring me out a glass that says Coke on the side with Pepsi in it?
Kamek: I’ll…see what I can do.
Mallow: (from across the restaurant) Erherm! Waiter! Over here!
(Kamek runs over)
Kamek: I see you’re enjoying your Bubbly Float. Are you ready to order?
Mallow: Yes, I’d like a chicken breast with vegetables and mashed potatoes.
Kamek: Chicken Breast Dinner coming up.
Kamek: No, what? You’re the customer.
Mallow: Can you make the chicken like, you know, in strips? I’d also like them fried. And can you make the vegetables and potatoes taste more like french fries? I hope that won’t be too much trouble.
Kamek: Why not just get the Chicken Strips and Fries Deal?
Mallow: I don’t want that icky stuff. I want the Grilled Chicken dinner, but with said specifications of course.
Luigi: (from across the room) Waiter! HELP ME!
(Kamek runs over)
Kamek: Yes, sir, what’s wrong?
Luigi: Well, I sat down with my Meatloaf Puree that I got from the bar, and I noticed there was a leaf right next to it! The server put a leaf on my loaf of meat. Yucko!
Kamek: That’s parsely. It makes the plate look prettier.
Luigi: It’s a leaf! Are you trying to kill me? Take it away.
Kamek: (takes parsely off)
Luigi: You expect that to fix it? Go back and get another one. This one’s been contaminated.
(Kamek takes the orders and the meatloaf into the kitchen)
Chef Torte: Zhere you are! Vhere haf you been? Help me viz zhis cheese monster!
(The kitchen is a blistering mess and a gigantic, growling cheese monster is battling with Chef Torte)
Kamek: ACK! (blasts the cheese monster)
Chef Torte: Phew, zhat vas close one! Oh, zhere’s zhe ordeirs. Quick, go see vhat zhe rest vant!
(Kamek runs over to Mario’s table)
Mario: (head in menu) Oh, hi.
Kamek: Are you ready to order yet?
Mario: (looks up) Hm? Oh, no, not yet. I could use a topper on that water, though.
Kamek: Oh, yes, of…course….say, that water is still full.
Mario: (looks at full water glass) No it’s not. It’s completely empty.
Kamek: It’s full! Any more full and it would spill.
Mario: Don’t lie to me. Go fill’er up…NOW!
(Kamek runs off with the glass but is stopped by Peach)
Peach: This glass says Pepsi on it. Pepsi offends me.
Kamek: But you drank it.
Peach: Pepsi doesn’t offend me, just the word “Pepsi.” Make it say something different. What about Sprite?
Kamek: Well, ya see, Sprite is made by Coke.
Peach: Sprite tastes a WHOLE lot different than Coke.
Kamek: I know that, but they’re both made by Coke, as in the…
Peach: You know, Kamek, when you can’t taste the soda, it’s a sign you’ve had a little too much.
Kamek: I’m fine, thank you. What if I put 7-up on it?
Peach: No, 7-up is to…7-uppy. It doesn’t give me the happy-go-lucky fizzing bubbliness that Coke does. No, you’ll have to do something else. Dr. Pepper?
Kamek: What about Mr. Pibb?
Peach: Never met him. Say, do you think Dr. Pepper’s a real doctor? I don’t think he’s qualified to be a soda drink.
Peach: HURRY UP!
(Kamek runs off but is stopped by Luigi)
Luigi: Oh, the world is ending! Waiter! Oh, there you are. Come quick!
Kamek: What is it?
Luigi: My water. It has a lemon in it.
Luigi: Well, don’t you see? It’s missing a seed! Oh, woe is me!
Kamek: … I’ll get another lemon.
Luigi: Nope, it’s already been contaminated by the bad lemon. Hey, and where’s that meatloaf? It’d better not have grass on it this time.
Mallow: Get over here!
Kamek: I’ll be right back.
(Kamek runs over to Mallow)
Kamek: (huffing) Yes?
Mallow: I’ve changed my mind. I’d like those fried chicken strips to taste more like, you know, salmon. And I think I’d like the fries to say, well, “Rice” all over them. They need to be steamy too.
Kamek: Cant’ I just order you…
Mallow: Are you trying to change my mind?
Kamek: No, sir, but…
Chef Torte: (from kitchen) KAMEK!
(Kamek runs into kitchen; the kitchen has been made into a sun room with a radio and entertainment center)
Chef Torte: Vhat do you zhink? It’s funking isn’t it!? Shake your groove zhing, baby! Show me how to do it now! YEAH!
Kamek: But where’s the cooking stuff?
Chef Torte: …
Chef Torte: In moi’s hurry to funkify zhe atmosphere, I sold zhe cooking stuff. Perhaps you could go get some…more….ok, moi will do it. Juzt get zhose orders straight, ok?
Kamek: (nods wearily)
(Kameks runs out to Mario’s table finding Peach)
Kamek: What’re you sitting here for?
Peach: We went to the buffet, and I took Mario’s seat.
Kamek: But you’re all sitting at separate tables.
Peach: Yeah. What’s your point?
Kamek: Nothing. Where’s Mario sitting?
Peach: Well, Mario’s sitting where Mallow was sitting, Luigi’s sitting where Mallow was sitting, and Mallow is sitting where Luigi was sitting. Say, did you bring back that coke yet?
Kamek: I told you we didn’t have any coke. What do you want to eat?
Peach: No coke? Since when? Why wasn’t I informed of this!?
Kamek: I think I hear Mario calling.
(Half way to his destination, the entire Mario party gets up and randomly switches seats)
Kamek: Mario, there you are! Have you decided what you want to eat…yet…Mallow?
Mallow: Yeah, hey, Kamek, I’ve changed my mind. Instead of something like salmon, I’d like more of steak texture, but I want it to taste like…like catfish. Can the vegetables be more along the lines of eggs?
Kamek: How I’m I going to make potatoes taste like eggs?
Mallow: Not really taste like eggs, look like them. Color them yellow and chop them up. Make sure they smell like eggs. The wonderful, edible egg.
Kamek: I’ll try….
Mallow: Eggland’s best if you have it.
Kamek: But I thought you said…
Mallow: On second thought…
Kamek: I’ll be right back.
(Kamek runs over to Luigi’s table with glass of water)
Luigi: Oh, waiter, the most terrible thing happened. While you were gone, the order of my sugar packets mysteriously changed. Now it’s pink, blue, white instead of blue, white, pink. Change them back, will you?
(Kamek changes them)
Luigi: No, that won’t do. Just go get me another little box of sugar packets. I can’t get the old order out of my head.
Kamek: But it’ll be the same thing if…
Luigi: Don’t try to cheer me up. Just go.
(Kamek is stopped by Mario)
Mario: I’ve decided what I wanted to order!
Mario: This menu! It’s so colorful and vibrant.
(Suddenly, Toad crashes in and shoots Kamek with a bazooka; the latter falls down, bleeding)
Peach: Say, waiter, about dessert…
(Thirty minutes later; the restaurant has been completely destroyed and Chef Torte is crying over the ashes; Kamek demands payment from the dishonorable customers)
Kamek: (angrily) And will this be all on one tab?
Mario: No. I’ll be sharing a tab with Peach, but I’ll also be sharing a separate tab with Luigi.
Kamek: So that’s one tab for the three of you, and…
Mario: No, two separate tab pairs.
Mario: Oh, and Mallow will also have a joint separate tab with me, and Luigi will have another separate tab with Peach, who will in turn have a separate tab with Mallow. Then I want another separate tab between Luigi and Mallow. Make sure to get them right.
Kamek: What in the world? You’re insane!
Mario: I want the desserts to be on a different tab completely. In fact, log them down as different visits, the dinners yesterday, and the desserts today.
Kamek: May I ask why?
Mallow: On second thought…
Kamek: JUST LEAVE. THE MEALS ARE FREE!
Mario: The meals on separate tabs? I don’t want free meals on the same tab.
Kamek: LEAVE NOW!
Peach: I’m never eating here again.
Mario: Tell me about it.
(Bowser walks out with the family)
Bowser: That went rather well! Tell Chef Torte he can have your job.
Kamek: (sighs) Well, at least there’s only 388 more days until the next Bowser Day holiday.
(Ragged Curtain Falls)
[Interior; Writers’ Room]
Chef Torte: Vow, zhat vas awesome! Moi really like zhe partz vis me in it. Zhey vere zhe best, obviously. I mean, come on, a sun room? You juzt put moi in a story and, BOOM, hilarity ensues.
Gruntilda: Stupid show, it was crap, one more minute of it, and I’d of taken a nap.
Chef Torte: Zhe box said you helped write it.
Gruntilda: Dumb boxes are really square, one more crack and I'll rip and tear.
Ryan-oshi: How's everything going in here? Is Episode Five almost done?
Chef Torte: (gets out coffee-stained script) Vell…
Gruntilda: (wrestles with the script and Chef Torte) Don’t show him that, you’re really dumb, I hope you get, in your food, some gum!
Chef Torte: Moi hates gum!
Ryan-oshi: What about those important portfolios and records I sent over?
Chef Torte: (absently) Vell, zhose portfolio zhingies, I ran out of tissue paper, and my snoze was cold and itchy. We didn’t have any Puffs, so SNOT, I did vhat came natural. Oh, and you know how, hahaha, hehehe, round records some times look like…oh, you’re going to laugh at zhis…hahaha.
Ryan-oshi: Look like what?
Chef Torte: …floaties.
Everyone: (jumps Chef Torte)
Chef Torte: MON DIEU!
The Super Mario Bro.’s Super Duper Show
Episode Four: Processed Play-Doh
[Interior; Koopa Recreation Room]
(Bowser, Kamek, and General Jagger all crowd around a 10 inch television set watching Kid Jeopardy)
Jagger: Those kids can’t really be that smart. It’s obviously some sort of hyped up government plan to rush parents out to stores so they will buy Leapad brand items and Play-Doh.
Bowser: (eating Play-Doh) Wow, it really is more fun to play with. I took their motto for a chauvinist remark directed towards the invertebrate consumers of the Mushroom Kingdom. Boy, was I ever wrong.
Jagger: Come on Kamek; let’s watch Survivor. I want to waste my time watching other people eat bugs, not rooting for kids that confuse me.
Kamek: Erggh…I told you, this is an advanced research experiment designed to get fascinating results.
Jagger: (smugly) Oh, yeah? Where’s your stationery and writing utensil?
Kamek: (hastily draws random shapes on a notepad) Ohh, there’s a result. Wow, there’s another one. That’s a good one.
Bowser: Kamek, if you needed circles drawn, I could’ve done it for you. Well…I could’ve suspended them in real time on my laptop.
Jagger: Enough, Kamek. Turn it on Survivor.
Kamek: (holds away controller)
Bowser: Kamek, you found the Clicky Thing!
Kamek: It’s called the controller.
Bowser: That’s too general.
Kamek: Being intelligent is not a bad thing, Jagger! If all of our troops were intelligent, we could beat those Mario Bro.’s once and…for…all…HEY!
Jagger: How are we going to make all of our troops smarter?
Bowser: (grabs controller) Ha! The Clicky Thing is mine! War whoop: LOGALOGALOGALOG!
Kamek: Hmm…we could get rid of the stupid ones and start over.
Jagger: And just how do you propose we discreetly “dismiss” the incompetent ones?
Kamek: (puts finger to head) Hmm…give me two hours and a dozen Shipley’s Donuts.
Bowser: Krispy Kreme all the way!
[Exterior; Royal Mushroom Castle Courtyard]
(Peach, Luigi, and Toad are having a meeting on how to make Mushroom Village a safer place against the random idiocy of Bowser and his cohorts)
Luigi: So, as you can all see by my highly detailed bar graph, pie graph-
Luigi: …and abstract report suspended in real-time on my laptop, it would really be rather excellent if we built a wall of Reinforced Moleville Steel around the village. It would be impenetrable from the outside.
Toad: Can I…er…use the pie graph after we dismiss your idea?
Luigi: You know you can’t eat it.
Toad: Of course I can! I just need a really big lever and some Tinker Toys.
Princess: If you guys don’t stop it, we’ll have every corrupt company breathing down our necks in ten seconds flat.
Toad: Are you sure the seconds are flat? If they’re obese, we may have time.
(Suddenly, Mario comes running up, trampling over Luigi’s display)
Luigi: NO! I spent all night making that last night while you guys were out at the rave.
Princess: That was…exhilarating.
Mario: Can I deliver my idea now?
Toad: (leaning over pie graph) Don’t worry, Su. I’ll give you a proper burial. What’s that, my love? Of course I’ll cremate you.
Luigi: Excuse me, Princess, but it’s still my turn.
Princess: Of course you can go, Mario. We’ve only just started.
Mario: Great! Ok, I say we build a 2 foot wall of Play-Doh around the village’s outer vector. How’d you like that word: vector?
Princess: Oh, what a wonderful word! Play-Doh and vector… I love it! Implement this plan immediately.
Toad: (burning the pie graph in a ceremonial flame) Chit ka lo ma
Princess: Something the matter, Luigi?
Luigi: Princess, let’s be frank with each other a little minute.
Princess: I don’t want to be ANYTHING with you, Luigi.
Mario: If you mess with my woman, I’ll give you the smack down.
Luigi: Just listen. How can a wall made out of Play-Doh, let alone one that’s only 2 feet tall, protect the village?
Mario: Vector, Luigi. Didn’t you hear me say that?
Princess: Please try to pay a little more attention from now on. Ok, let’s get this project started! Toad, get over here!
Toad: (scattering poster board ashes into the wind) Coming!
[Interior; Koopa Castle Boiler Room]
(Kamek, Jagger, and Bowser all enter the Boiler Room)
Bowser: So, how do we do this again?
Kamek: You two go open the Furnace hatch and stand by it. When I give you the signal…
Jagger: Heh, yeah, we know.
Bowser: We do? Why don’t we tell the audience?
Kamek: (turns on the intercom) I don’t have time for expositional frivolities. On with the show!
Bowser: (to Jagger) I’m putting in a for a transfer.
Jagger: But you’re his boss.
Kamek: (into the intercom) Attention, all troops! Everyone that’s Intelligence Quotient registers below 100 shall now report to the Furnace for processing. (turns off intercom)
Jagger: (opens Furnace hatch and the flames of a thousand really hot things fly out) YEOUCH!
Bowser: (sweating) It’s as hot as our boiler room’s furnace in there.
Bowser: No joking.
Kamek: Anyway, here comes the first victim…er…participant.
(Around eighty troops march in)
Kamek: Ok, please form a single line in front of the boiler hatch.
(Kamek walks over and stands beside the first in line)
Kamek: Your name and IQ, please?
Random Individual: Seekmod, 84.
Kamek: Tsk, tsk. You don’t quite make the cut. Please step inside the Friendly Enforcement Facilitator.
Random Individual: It looks like a furnace to me…
Kamek: Nonsense. Something with such a complex name has to be pleasant, correct? Correct. Now, please step inside.
Random Individual: Well, ok… (moves slowly forward)
(Kamek twirls his finger and Jagger pushes the troop’s being inside the blazing furnace right before an inhuman scream is heard)
Random Individual 2: Er…Thickhead, 92.
Kamek: Close, but no go. You know the deal.
Random Individual 2: I think not.
Kamek: Come on. Didn’t you hear the way your comrade was screaming in joy at the emotional pleasure that the Facilitator offers?
Bowser: Kamek, those were the sounds of one of my troops having their existence slowly burned off their skeleton.
Kamek: … (twirls finger) NEXT!
(One hour later)
Kamek: Finally, we’re done. How many troops do we have left?
Jagger: (angrily) None! You killed them all.
Kamek: Killed is such a strong word. They were processed.
Bowser: (comes running in with a jar full of ash) Look, I found this ash floating around in the wind outside.
Jagger: (smells the contents) It’s the distinct smell of a poster board pie graph ash. It must be some sort of sign.
Kamek: Perhaps Toad fell in love with the eatery pleasures of a Pie Graph in a secret meeting designed to set up an elaborate defense system for their village.
Bowser: (eats the ash) Yummy! I tastes like…
Kamek: Burnt cardboard?
Bowser: No, chicken.
Kamek: Tell me, Bowser, what does chicken taste like?
Bowser: It tastes like cardboard, Kamek.
Bowser: What’s wrong?
Kamek: Don’t you see the paradoxical and universal anomaly you’ve created?
Jagger: Is that one of those pickle shaped things that makes a tear in the time space continuum?
Bowser: Where? I missed it.
Kamek: How can one thing taste like two things? It’s impossible.
Bowser: (eats a jawbreaker) These are really good.
(A blue vortex-looking tear in space opens up and sucks Kamek’s hat through it)
Jagger: That can’t be good.
(So, the tear feeds on random objects, slowly devouring the castle, as the only three remaining Koopa Army members rush out of the castle)
(Chef Torte suddenly joins the frantic trio)
Chef Torte: Zhere you guys are. Does anyone know zhe way to zhe furnace? Moi needs to get zhere like pronto.
Kamek: Your IQ is higher than 100, Chef Torte.
Chef Torte: Yeah, but I want to stay popular. You know, hip daddio!
Jagger: Just try and keep up.
Chef Torte: Vhat are ve running from?
Bowser: Kamek opened up a tear in the time space continuum by pointing out the mathematical chaos in my eating a jawbreaker.
Kamek: Shut up, Bowser.
Chef Torte: Kamek! You are IDIOT!
[Exterior; Mushroom Village Boarder]
(Princess, Luigi, Mario, and Toad pack Play-Doh around the village.)
Princess: Luigi, you’re not using enough colors. When ravenous killing-machines are trying to break down our impregnable wall and tear our faces off I want them to be impressed by our artistic impressionism.
Luigi: (standing on a small girder) Why do we need girders if the wall’s finished project will only be two feet high?
Princess: How should I know? Do I look like the architect? Ask Mario.
Mario: It all has to do with vectors and perpetual stand-offish techniques designed to evoke optimum efficiency.
Mario: Did I mention it’s Pinesol Fresh? AGGH…
(Mario screams and falls off his five inch high girder, crashing to the ground)
Princess: Luigi! Quick! Get a mushroomer ambulance. Mario has been mortally wounded!
Luigi: But the fall was less than a foot!
Princess: Don’t point out obvious facts, you sick lunatic. Your brother could die at any second. He’s holding on by a thin line!
Toad: Are you sure the line is not over-weight?
Princess: Toad, don’t make jokes about fat people. Sixty-five percent of the Real World’s population is over the average weight.
Mario: (raspy) Vec…tor…
Luigi: Wouldn’t that make the new weight higher?
Princess: No, I got it in a magazine. You’re wrong.
Princess: Ambulance! NOW!
[Mushroom Village Hospital]
(Luigi walks into the main lobby, which has been stripped of all its lighting, and walks up to the receptionist, who is a boo.)
Boo: How may I be scaring you today?
Luigi: Hey, what happened to the mushroomer nurses?
Boo: What? Am I not good enough for you? Are you prejudice against boos? Is that it? YOU RIGHT-WING INCOSIDERATE, INSENSITIVE, ZEALOUS BIGOT!
Luigi: Calm down. I just don’t want to be served by a floating apparition of the living dead that scares mortals and sucks there souls out leaving only the jelly-like corpse, that’s all.
Boo: (sniffling) Oh, you don’t know how hard it is to have such a gruesome job. (breaks into sobs) It’s…just…so…TERRIBLE! Besides, we don’t REALLY suck people’s souls out.
Luigi: Listen, I need an ambulance, but only one paramedic will do. It’s only a mercy wound.
Boo: Shut up and listen. Can’t you see I’m pouring over my pathetic, unfair life with you?
Luigi: Can’t you just follow me and the paramedic to the scene of the accident?
Boo: No, we don’t have any paramedics.
Luigi: Dare I ask why?
Boo: We sucked all of their soul’s out.
Boo: (burst out laughing) GOTCHA! Hahahaha, they always fall for that one. You’re so lame.
Luigi: I’m leaving. (turns to go)
Boo: No, wait! I’ve got a million more.
Luigi: Really, I’m very sorry.
Boo: (regretfully) Fine, then. Go. I’ll just stay here…alone.
Luigi: Ok, bye.
Boo: In the dark…I’ll probably kill myself…all because of you.
Luigi: But you’re already dead.
Boo: Don’t get technical with me. I’m suicidal. I have special rights.
Boo: (pulls out long list) Sure, the legislature adopted the Suicidal Maniac Rights bill last weekend. You should keep up to date on our fickle body of law’s nonsensical budget wasting slippage techniques. They’re really rather clever.
Boo: Oh, the pain! I can’t go on!
(Bowser, Kamek, Jagger, and Chef Torte are running for their lives as a huge, greedy vortex sucks up everything behind them)
Jagger: Kamek! Look what you’ve done. That thing’s going to destroy the universe.
Chef Torte: Moi’s beautiful kitchen! WAH!!!
Kamek: If we could just some how counteract the insensibility of eating a jawbreaker with the exact opposite. We just have to eat something that’s terrible and has no flavor at all, like the null set in numbers.
Bowser: Numbers have a flavor? I love math!
Jagger: … Kamek, your plan is really dumb.
Kamek: Well, it’s what the script writers gave me. You know they must have some sort of really special plan for the show.
Jagger: Can’t argue with that.
[Interior; Writer’s Room]
Chef Torte: (stumbling around) Vow, zhis coke ist really good! -hic- I zhink I’ll write some more random stuff about jawbreakers. –hic-
Gruntilda: Give me that cola before you hurt yourself. I’ll put it high up on a far away shelf.
Chef Torte: IST MINE! –hic- Besides, you can’t get –hic- tipsy off of cola. WOO! Zhings are spinning around very fast. I feel like a plane! ZOOM! –hic- (falls down)
[Exterior; Mushroom Village Border]
Mario: (sipping coke) It’s such a wonderful day! The sun is shining and the my master defense plan is almost completed. Nothing can go wrong!
(Luigi runs up, panting, with a First Aid kit)
Luigi: Ok, I couldn’t get a paramedic but…
Princess: Why not?
Luigi: Well, you see, boos have overrun the hospital and the receptionist was a suicidal boo that told bad jokes and was ambiguous on whether he enjoyed eating souls are not. So you see, I had to leave, and…
Princess: You worthless pile of (insert random insulting word here).
Mario: Oh, hi Luigi, what’s that First Aid stuff?
Princess: (absent-mindedly) Oh, yeah, cough, Mario’s better.
Luigi: WHAT?! You said he was dying! And then you yelled at me.
Mario: The funny thing is, the drop was only a few inches, so it wasn’t that bad. Besides, no one ever dies in these shows; they’re either processed or get really bad booboos.
(As Luigi ponders over the omniscient prophecy in Mario’s words, Bowser and the rest run up, frenetic)
Bowser: Hi guys! How’s it hanging?
Mario: How’s what hanging?
Toad: (sniff sniff) Hey! You ate Su! AUGH!
(Toad jumps on Bowser and the roll around in a comical cloud of dust)
Jagger: You’d better run with us.
Chef Torte: Zhat idiot Kamek started talking and zhinking about zhings, and he unwittingly opened an anomalous hole in zhe space time continuum zhat’s slowly sucking Plit into it. Ve’re running away until some sort of vacky plot twist saves us.
Kamek: Excuse me for mentioning the word jawbreakers in a cartoon.
(The tear makes itself visible behind them. Trees uproot themselves and fly into it)
Chef Torte: AGGH! Ve’re doomed!
Luigi: I wonder why we’re not being sucked into it.
Kamek: Dramatic plot lunacies. They run abound in this show.
Mario: Don’t worry everyone. I’ll just asked the Wheel O’ Plot Resolutions.
Luigi: You have to be joking.
Princess: YAY! Can I spin it?
(A humongous wheel with game show accessories is rolled about by Bowser and Toad)
Princess: (spins the wheel) YAY!
Mario: Wheel of Plot Resolutions, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the resolver we should learn.
(A slip of paper rolls out and Mario reads it)
Mario: Everyone! Behind the Play-Doh wall!
(Everyone ducks behind the Play-Doh wall, and it’s sucked into the vortex. The Play-Doh clogs the vortex, and everything is as it should be.)
Mario: YAY! The wheel’s explanation was that since Play-Doh clogs drains, it could stop up tears in the space time continuum.
Kamek and Luigi: …
Chef Torte: Vow, zhat’s ingenious! Now, let’s all get out zome Play-Doh and, vell, play!
Princess: Not yet! We still have to kick the villains’ back ends for no reason. We can’t have a cartoon without senseless violence. Someone must get hurt!
Mario: Don’t worry! HYAH! El-Kabong!
(Mario proceeds to beat the living daylights out of Bowser, Kamek, Jagger, and Chef Torte for no reason. Finally, they go zooming towards their castle)
Mario: YAY! Now we can eat Play-Doh. (eats) GAG! I can’t br…cough…eathe. Luigi!
Princess: Quick! To the hospital!
[Interior; Writers’ Room]
Chef Torte: Few, zhat vas zhe bezt vone yet! I vas zhe hero.
Gruntilda: No you weren’t, you really stunk. Now come here so I can shove, down your throat, some gunk.
Chef Torte: BUT MOI HATES GUNK!
Ryan-oshi: Hey, guys. Get to work on Episode Six.
(Suddenly, Quick Draw McGraw and a very pale boy walks in)
Boy: We’re here to sue you from the Play-Doh company.
Ryan-oshi: You can’t use the word Su. It’s the name of the Pi Graph. So, in an inversely proportioned, wickedly developed sense, you’re the criminals.
Boy: Oh, yeah? IT’S ON!!!!
McDraw: EL KABONG!